#1
A Defined Poem, Something Upfront and Straight Forward
autumn robbed past brushed snow
cold shoulders, swat fly? away from face
pause taken and guess made, near the
porch of Amiti's place, walked passt and
troo the arch of North High, perhaps
a ribbed bone with defined sunk
perhaps a thought to stall the cold / cawld
picket from a closet, a jacket left on her
rail, stood out like a spit marked snowhole
ten paces straight--

Stept back in cautious sport to
catch and run, a lazy sort not me
that lost a morning / mawnin to
a nether nor a hand or a heart
and to what has
that broken halft glance taught
us sucker sapped young men.
we saught and sook for the morning
soot and not a present taken or a
gesture took, languid parasite -
asleep in a comfy chair, open a book
type up a "just a thing para school"
it's around the time walking we realise
maybe we're thinking in a different language.

back to her porch caught longly a clothed smile,
scarved to a hidden peering and moving to a show
step a step, a scribble etched in snow, wooden
marked in the doorframe where her young man
rushed out and down the steps; I wanted to slip
and fall down hoping she'd come out instead of knocking;
an like a shoreline, pressed up against my chest the
sky above and the awning next seemed like i was standing
on a beach looking outintothevastness
of open water or space.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Jan 7, 2010,
#5
it is used four times to show a depth of thought outside of what is written, how is that gimmicky?
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#6
I think the parenthesis' were gimmicky as much as they just disrupted the flow and didn't offer much. I'll revisit for a full crit later.
#7
^that's exactly how I felt. If the parenthesis were offering something, some expansion that aided the piece, then I wouldn't have aproblem, but it's like you're forcing the points too far. There's nothing in those parenthesis that isn't implied in the piece.