Run4TheShadows
Registered User
Join date: Oct 2008
133 IQ
#1
i wrote this song the other day, i was really inspired to write it after reading about a local suburbanite-turned-rapper. anyway here it is, feedback would be welcome


"Blasting your 2000's rap at home and you believe you're a real G
Wearing your trendy surf-boy clothes, watching a plasma screen TV
You're always forcing slang to prop up your thugster reputation
But the only time you've broke the law was for noise violation

well you never been shot
never been stabbed
never forced to pawn nor steal
never sold crack when it's 10 below to pay for your next warm meal
Playing golf all day, driving Daddy's Benz, got some college girl to screw
the ghetto life that you love so much has got no love for you

cause at the end of the day...

you're a bro mother****er
just a bro mother****er
you're a bro mother****er
just a bro mother****er

you say my life is fraught with jealousy and shame
you say my mind's too anemic to play in the creative game
but if a victory means being a poser just like you
i'd rather take my chances finding something else to do

well you think you're a pimp
in your suburbanite jungle
neighbors say ain't that boy nice
you've got tolerance for keystone light but you still can't hold your spice
you might be a child prodigy, and your mind might have no limits
but in the ghetto that you patronize you wouldn't last 5 minutes

cause at the end of the day...

you're a bro mother****er
just a bro mother****er
you're a bro mother****er
just a bro mother****er"


That's all. It's a bit angry but a lot of punk is.
Last edited by Run4TheShadows at Jan 8, 2010,
SKAtastic7770
Registered User
Join date: Nov 2008
828 IQ
#3
Quote by werty22
Wow I only read one line and I can tell you're really punk.

I actually liked it a little bit. I thought it was kind of funny and relatable, but almost intolerably obnoxious and pretentious. Anyway wrong forum, but then again the songwriting forum sucks. No one ever replies to any threads there.
Run4TheShadows
Registered User
Join date: Oct 2008
133 IQ
#4
Quote by werty22
Wow I only read one line and I can tell you're really punk.


I like a lot of punk rock, but that's not what you mean. You could at least tell me what makes it bad. I know there's no magic formula for punk rock, but there are such things as good writing techniques.

Quote by SKAtastic7770
I actually liked it a little bit. I thought it was kind of funny and relatable, but almost intolerably obnoxious and pretentious.


Obnoxious I guess, but that was the point. I was going for satire / making this seem as rediculous as possible, no subtlety. Pretentious though, I don't see that. I don't believe you can think you are the next Ice Cube when the only things you have in common are lots of money (more like the illusion of money), the ability to construct rhymes, the need to state how heterosexual you are, and a passion for weed. Either way thanks for the input skatastic, i didn't expect to write anything good right away.
Last edited by Run4TheShadows at Jan 8, 2010,
charliezard!
Registered User
Join date: Sep 2008
1,337 IQ
#5
You're not bad at coming up with rhymes and making lyrics fit well, and you don't sound like you're trying too hard so that's good.

I'd stay away from lines like this though

"Blasting your 2000's rap at home and you believe you're a real G
"You're always forcing slang to prop up your thugster reputation"
"being a poser just like you"
"well you think you're a pimp"
and the whole second stanza.

because they made me kinda cringe.

In fact, I'd entirely stay away from insulting "posers,'" "G's," or rap, regardless of what time period it's from. Waaay too overdone, and it will make you sound like a 13 year old who listens to too much Led Zeppelin and who hates black people and music without guitars.
lolmnt
Earth of the Butt
Join date: Sep 2006
4,159 IQ
#6
This is really good. Like really. You're the Ginsberg of our generation.
*-)
Quote by Bob_Sacamano
i kinda wish we all had a penis and vagina instead of buttholes

i mean no offense to buttholes and poop or anything

Rest in Peace, Troy Davis and Trayvon Martin and Jordan Davis and Eric Garner and Mike Brown
neidnarb11890
so bored with the USA
Join date: Mar 2006
270 IQ
#7
Quote by element4433
This is really good. Like really. You're the Ginsberg of our generation.

Sounds about right.
werty22
Banned
Join date: Dec 2006
1,095 IQ
#8
Quote by Run4TheShadows
I like a lot of punk rock, but that's not what you mean. You could at least tell me what makes it bad. I know there's no magic formula for punk rock, but there are such things as good writing techniques.


Obnoxious I guess, but that was the point. I was going for satire / making this seem as rediculous as possible, no subtlety. Pretentious though, I don't see that. I don't believe you can think you are the next Ice Cube when the only things you have in common are lots of money (more like the illusion of money), the ability to construct rhymes, the need to state how heterosexual you are, and a passion for weed. Either way thanks for the input skatastic, i didn't expect to write anything good right away.

I didn't mean anything by it. Just posting for the sake of it 'cuz I thought this thread was gonna get closed for being in the wrong forum.

I agree with charliezard though.
LicenseToPunk
Certified Punker
Join date: Nov 2009
499 IQ
#9
Bro this is fantastic, when you make this into a song you have to give me the mp3 this is really seriously insane, i feel just like this i hate those "G's" that are like this wow dude just wow this is very very very really super dooper good
Run4TheShadows
Registered User
Join date: Oct 2008
133 IQ
#10
Quote by LicenseToPunk
Bro this is fantastic, when you make this into a song you have to give me the mp3 this is really seriously insane, i feel just like this i hate those "G's" that are like this wow dude just wow this is very very very really super dooper good


i'm glad you took time away from gobbling element's nuts to give such insightful advice.

Quote by charliezard!
You're not bad at coming up with rhymes and making lyrics fit well, and you don't sound like you're trying too hard so that's good.

I'd stay away from lines like this though

"Blasting your 2000's rap at home and you believe you're a real G
"You're always forcing slang to prop up your thugster reputation"
"being a poser just like you"
"well you think you're a pimp"
and the whole second stanza.

because they made me kinda cringe.

In fact, I'd entirely stay away from insulting "posers,'" "G's," or rap, regardless of what time period it's from. Waaay too overdone, and it will make you sound like a 13 year old who listens to too much Led Zeppelin and who hates black people and music without guitars.


I didn't like those lines either, I didn't feel they were strong enough or descriptive to convey anything to make it worthwhile. Hence me asking people who listen to punk (and might be interested in writing) for advice.

For the record though, I enjoy Led Zeppelin, have no problem with black people or any nationality, I like some music that doesn't have guitars (like Air) and hate some that does (most "indie" except Arctic Monkeys).
nashawa
Rightful HxC Emperor
Join date: Feb 2008
1,511 IQ
#11
Arctic Monkeys aren't really "indie", but...

I guess that's not the point...
Quote by emoboy027
Is fingering an emo chick that likes yoy and that has fallen in love with you is it wrong to you to finger her during lunch outside in front of everyone at the high school? would you not care or lol even wish it was you?

Youztoobz
MIDI Magicalness!
lookpizza
Party Hard
Join date: Mar 2009
1,566 IQ
#12
Quote by Run4TheShadows
i'm glad you took time away from gobbling element's nuts to give such insightful advice.



You should put this in your song somehow.. it'd fit in well.
I'm an asshole.
BrianApocalypse
Prozac Junkie
Join date: May 2004
7,782 IQ
#13
^ Yeah, you should rewrite the song, call it 'Nutgobblers', and make the music exactly the same as 'Braineaters' by the Misftits:

C*cks for dinner
C*cks for lunch
C*cocks for breakfast
Schlongs for lunch
Dicks are out at every meal
Why can't we gobble nuts?

One eyed snakes are all we ever get
In this rotten f*ckin' place
Sick and tired of penises
Why can't we have a change of pace?

C*cks for dinner
C*cks for lunch
C*cocks for breakfast
Schlongs for lunch
Dicks are out at every meal
Why can't we gobble nuts?

Why can't we gobble nuts?
Why can't be gobble god damn f*cking nuts?

Oi oi!
Run4TheShadows
Registered User
Join date: Oct 2008
133 IQ
#14
ok well clearly i was way off...that's fine. usually good things happen after trying and failing a lot first, that's called practice. at least failing is better than not trying at all.

but seriously.....most of you guys just talked shit instead of offering any kind of writing advice. i'd like to see you do better with the same amount of effort as i put into my song. your song can be about anything, but it has to be original so the misfits one doesn't count. you get 1 hour for lyrics, and another hour to get the music right. if you guys are as genius as you make yourselves out to be, you'll actually come up with a good song.
Last edited by Run4TheShadows at Jan 9, 2010,
RockThe40oz
Sucker-Punched By Christ
Join date: Dec 2004
1,233 IQ
#15
I can't help but wonder
What this life would be

If the world's idea of perfect
Agreed more with me

Well, there would be no jobs
And there would be no laws
And every town would have a spot
where you could see the stars

And there would be much more
for us to go explore
old bridges, abandoned hospitals
and honest local stores

We're working to make this true
At least that's what we would do
In my idea of perfect
Well isn't it just perfect?
It all just seems so perfect
(To me)


And I can't help but wonder
What this life would be

If God's idea of perfect
Looked a whole lot more like me

Cuz I can't grow facial hair
and I've got crooked teeth
My singing voice ain't beautiful
and I snore loud in my sleep

Well I've never been good at sports
I'm even terrible at pool
and although I think I did alright
I could have done better in school

But there's one thing I can say
It's that I'm perfect in every single way
In my idea of perfect
Well isn't it just perfect?
It all just seems so perfect
(To me)


I just happened to be writing music today... probably an hour total between lyrics and music.

The music is imperfect by design... a couple rhythm changes and oddball chords. (For a better description... think of "Jesus Does the Dishes" by Wingnut Dishwasher Union if you got too drunk to play it and messed up just about every chord formation)
Last edited by RockThe40oz at Jan 9, 2010,
Run4TheShadows
Registered User
Join date: Oct 2008
133 IQ
#16
that's pretty good, it reminds me of bad religion's "i want to conquer the world" for some reason. the Wingnut Dishwasher Union song is kinda funny
RizzoWashburn
Unregistered User
Join date: Mar 2007
283 IQ
#17
Quote by Run4TheShadows
ok well clearly i was way off...that's fine. usually good things happen after trying and failing a lot first, that's called practice. at least failing is better than not trying at all.

but seriously.....most of you guys just talked shit instead of offering any kind of writing advice. i'd like to see you do better with the same amount of effort as i put into my song. your song can be about anything, but it has to be original so the misfits one doesn't count. you get 1 hour for lyrics, and another hour to get the music right. if you guys are as genius as you make yourselves out to be, you'll actually come up with a good song.

I don’t want to be like you
Shackled to the TV set
I don’t want just to be remembered
By the things that I forget

I don’t want to get a job
I don’t want to pay your debt
I’m not your ****ing paranoia
That you won’t live to regret

I don’t feel like I’m a man
When I’m washing your floor
I don’t want to die here for someone
That I know I don’t adore

I can tell you it ain’t easy
To be always needing more
To find yourself fiercely entangled
In a suicidal war

This winter night
There’s just one thing I want
And I’m dying to show you
The present that I’ve brought

Sleigh bells match my ringing ears
Piercing snowy white surprise
Children carol jolly gentle
Masking hate behind their eyes

I can’t find the words to say
The feeling quickly dies
Is there an honest man among you
Who can’t justify his lies

So I’ll wish you Merry Christmas
And spend the night alone
If I don’t wake up Christmas morning
Leave the gifts on my gravestone

Dear Mr. Claus
Please take me home
I’d like to die like an angel
A halo on my thrown

This winter night
There’s just one thing I want
And I’m dying to show you
The present that I’ve brought


I did that one in like 20 minutes. I hate the first verse so I'm going to redo it but the point is that you shouldn't have to spend hours on something for it to be good.

Also, try writing about something less superficial. The song will have more meaning and be a hell of a lot better that way.
Edwards Les Paul Custom
Burny SG Junior
DIY Telecaster
Keeley RAT 2
Marshall JCM 800 4104
5cent Slut
Banned
Join date: Mar 2009
274 IQ
#19
Quote by BR0KENHEARTED
I want my 30 seconds back



kyle, youre a dick..........................that took at LEAST a minute to read
nashawa
Rightful HxC Emperor
Join date: Feb 2008
1,511 IQ
#21
Quote by BrianApocalypse
^ Yeah, you should rewrite the song, call it 'Nutgobblers', and make the music exactly the same as 'Braineaters' by the Misftits:

C*cks for dinner
C*cks for lunch
C*cocks for breakfast
Schlongs for lunch
Dicks are out at every meal
Why can't we gobble nuts?

One eyed snakes are all we ever get
In this rotten f*ckin' place
Sick and tired of penises
Why can't we have a change of pace?

C*cks for dinner
C*cks for lunch
C*cocks for breakfast
Schlongs for lunch
Dicks are out at every meal
Why can't we gobble nuts?

Why can't we gobble nuts?
Why can't be gobble god damn f*cking nuts?

Oi oi!


I prefer this to the Misfit's song.
It's very hard to write songs about sex of any kind without looking like a douchebag (or maybe it's just me), but I'm still pretty sure you are no bag of douche.


Hmmm, I'll try, even though I suck at writing punk lyrics...


Separate evil, good
take my hand, as you should
The back alleys along the way
Will lead us to the truth today

Paranoia, lust, defeat
Jealous death now fills the streets
Memorize your fucking lines
Anthems sang of better times

Feed me your lies
Yeah right, Fuck you (x2)
Attracting flies
Get lost, Fuck you (x2)

Disintegrate on thoughts derived
I'm amazed I'm still alive
Dueling fire, friends are dead
The only thing that's left unsaid:

Feed me your lies
Yeah right, Fuck you (x2)
Attracting flies
Get lost, Fuck you (x2)

Oh, how you lie (x4)

Words and music completed in approx. 20-25 minutes.


I don't know what the hell I'm doing..
Quote by emoboy027
Is fingering an emo chick that likes yoy and that has fallen in love with you is it wrong to you to finger her during lunch outside in front of everyone at the high school? would you not care or lol even wish it was you?

Youztoobz
MIDI Magicalness!
lookpizza
Party Hard
Join date: Mar 2009
1,566 IQ
#22
Quote by 5cent Slut
kyle, youre a dick..........................that took at LEAST a minute to read

Dylan this song is an obvious plagiarism of the Nickel Sluts song "poser" you should sue.
I'm an asshole.
JesusOfSbrbia
*-)
Join date: Aug 2005
1,343 IQ
#23
Run4TheShadows, it seems like you're able to pick apart your song and see for yourself which lines are strong and which ones are weak, and that's definitely a good way to improve your writing. Just keeping writing songs, write as much as you possibly can, keep a notebook with you all the time and just write whenever something comes to your mind, it can be one or two lines, a random thought, or a whole song, doesn't matter. Just capture your inspiration when it comes, and remember that practice makes perfect, as with anything else.
I'm the type of nigga that's built to last
If you fuck with me, I'll put my foot in your ass
See, I don't give a fuck cause I keep bailin
Yo, what the fuck are they yellin?!


GANGSTA, GANGSTA
axeslash
I got no learnin'
Join date: Jan 2006
3,485 IQ
#25
Quote by Run4TheShadows
but seriously.....most of you guys just talked shit instead of offering any kind of writing advice. i'd like to see you do better with the same amount of effort as i put into my song. your song can be about anything, but it has to be original so the misfits one doesn't count. you get 1 hour for lyrics, and another hour to get the music right. if you guys are as genius as you make yourselves out to be, you'll actually come up with a good song.
bro this song sucked really hard and the only way we can tell you to improve is to not do this kind of thing ever again.
Journalism is just a gun. It's only got one bullet in it, but if you aim right, that's all you need. Aim it right, and you can blow a kneecap off the world.
Joe-Fish
MOON ROCKS
Join date: Apr 2006
1,617 IQ
#26
Quote by Run4TheShadows
ok well clearly i was way off...that's fine. usually good things happen after trying and failing a lot first, that's called practice. at least failing is better than not trying at all.

but seriously.....most of you guys just talked shit instead of offering any kind of writing advice. i'd like to see you do better with the same amount of effort as i put into my song. your song can be about anything, but it has to be original so the misfits one doesn't count. you get 1 hour for lyrics, and another hour to get the music right. if you guys are as genius as you make yourselves out to be, you'll actually come up with a good song.


Tough love, son.

Try not to use "You" or "Your" so much. The only listeners you'll have are angsty pre-teens.
BRIGHT LIGHTS PUT ME IN A TRANCE.
but it aint house music that makes me want to dance.
Dvnc
shredder incognito
Join date: Mar 2007
1,038 IQ
#28
what joe-fish said, but overall, i think it has some potential, if it had a whole wheat bread vibe or some sort of happy go lucky punk in the same vein
Up the Punx!