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#1
PIT? what are some of your favorite jokes?
i want to know some of your own personal favrites

Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom. His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?"

His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."

Little Johnny replies, "What are you gonna do -- screw him?"

Q: How many guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two: One to change the lightbulb, the other to say, “I can do that.”


god i suck.......
POST RAWK
#3
[Maths joke]

Simplify and solve for i:
9x-7i>3(3x-7u)

[/Maths joke]
last.fm
"If I could prove by logic that you would die in five minutes, I should be sorry you were going to die, but my sorrow would be very much mitigated by pleasure in the proof."
G.H. Hardy
#4
I > 3 of you
R.I.P. M.C.A.
Tweet at me bro
lushacrous loves you
Quote by blake1221
Don't be ludicrous, lushacrous.
Quote by Gunpowder
that joke regarding your username was NOT originally posted by blake1221. That was a Gunpowder original.

I INVOKE SOPA TO SMITE YE FOR THIS FALSEHOOD.
#5
Quote by lushacrous
I > 3 of you


You need to flip the inequality sign the other way round when dividing thru by -1
last.fm
"If I could prove by logic that you would die in five minutes, I should be sorry you were going to die, but my sorrow would be very much mitigated by pleasure in the proof."
G.H. Hardy
#6
Quote by d3adh3adch3mist
You need to flip the inequality sign the other way round when dividing thru by -1

Ohhhh now it's even lamer. I thought it was gonna say I'm better than you or something
R.I.P. M.C.A.
Tweet at me bro
lushacrous loves you
Quote by blake1221
Don't be ludicrous, lushacrous.
Quote by Gunpowder
that joke regarding your username was NOT originally posted by blake1221. That was a Gunpowder original.

I INVOKE SOPA TO SMITE YE FOR THIS FALSEHOOD.
#7
ah, I see where this is going. sortof like "horrible jokes you'll go to hell for telling" but just normal jokes, I'll contribute later.
#8
Two bears are in a jacuzzi. The bigger of the two looks at the smaller one and says, "No soap, radio"

Gets me every time, no matter how many times I hear it
🙈 🙉 🙊
#10
Quote by entity0009
Two bears are in a jacuzzi. The bigger of the two looks at the smaller one and says, "No soap, radio"

Gets me every time, no matter how many times I hear it

uh...what?

EDIT: nvm i googled it lol
Last edited by phoenix_crush at Jan 9, 2010,
#11
the best one to tell a drunk guy:

"whats blue and smells like red paint?"
"BLUE PAINT!"

i sh!t you not , they will never stop laughing as long as they are drunk
POST RAWK
#12
Quote by d3adh3adch3mist
[Maths joke]

Simplify and solve for i:
9x-7i>3(3x-7u)

[/Maths joke]


For the newbs.

9x-7i > 3(3x-7u)

9x-7i > 9x-21u

-7i > -21u

7i < 21u
------------
i <3 u

what a joke..
#13
Quote by entity0009
Two bears are in a jacuzzi. The bigger of the two looks at the smaller one and says, "No soap, radio"

Gets me every time, no matter how many times I hear it


LMFAO! Funniest joke everrrr!!!
last.fm
"If I could prove by logic that you would die in five minutes, I should be sorry you were going to die, but my sorrow would be very much mitigated by pleasure in the proof."
G.H. Hardy
#14
Quote by entity0009
Two bears are in a jacuzzi. The bigger of the two looks at the smaller one and says, "No soap, radio"

Gets me every time, no matter how many times I hear it
rofl

Mine is. "How do you catch a rabbit? Hide behind a tree and make noises like a carrot."
#15
Quote by snowbert
For the newbs.

9x-7i > 3(3x-7u)

9x-7i > 9x-21u

-7i > -21u

7i < 21u
------------
i <3 u

what a joke..


OH SHI- (i thuoght it was going to spell boobs)
POST RAWK
#16
Alright, here it goes:

So these Spanish conquistadors are exploring south america. In the jungle somewhere, they get ambushed by a wild tribe of natives. Most of them were killed, except for two that survived. Those two were taken prisoner back to their village in the center of the forest. when they arrive, the chief approaches them and says, "You are my prisoners, I am giving you two options, Death or Punta"

The first one decides to choose Punta, thinking that nothing could be worse than death. And so the tribe leader says, "Punta! Get over here!" Out of a hut, comes out a 6 foot tall, 300 pound man with a 20 inch penis, and proceeds to rape the first man for a good two hours. The conquistador comes back with asshole torn, intenstines ripped, etc, but survived the ordeal.

The tribe leader then says, "alright, what will you choose now?" to the second man. The second man thinks to himself, "I'm going to be an honorable man and choose death, for I surely dont want to go through that" He says," I choose death"

with that decision, the tribe leader comes and yells out, "Punta! Get over here!"
#17
Quote by crazywatermelon
OH SHI- (i thuoght it was going to spell boobs)



9x-7i > 3(3x-7(BOOBS))

9x-7i > 9x-21(BOOBS)

-7i > -21(BOOBS)

7i < 21(BOOBS)

=

i <3 (BOOBS)
#18
Quote by entity0009
Two bears are in a jacuzzi. The bigger of the two looks at the smaller one and says, "No soap, radio"

Gets me every time, no matter how many times I hear it


I'm probably an idiot for not getting this, but could someone explain the joke to me please?
#19
Why do elephants have big ears?


Cuz noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.
last.fm
"If I could prove by logic that you would die in five minutes, I should be sorry you were going to die, but my sorrow would be very much mitigated by pleasure in the proof."
G.H. Hardy
#20
Quote by entity0009
Two bears are in a jacuzzi. The bigger of the two looks at the smaller one and says, "No soap, radio"

Gets me every time, no matter how many times I hear it


Explain?
Epiphone Les Paul (Modded with 2 passive pickups and an EMG81)
Yamaha RG guitar w/ Floyd Rose
Rogue Acoustic

BlackHeart BH5 Tube Amp


Danelectro Metal. Digitech Bad Monkey, Digitech CF-7, Crybaby Wah, Danelectro EQ.
#21
^ it's pretty obvious tbh...
last.fm
"If I could prove by logic that you would die in five minutes, I should be sorry you were going to die, but my sorrow would be very much mitigated by pleasure in the proof."
G.H. Hardy
#22
Quote by Myfirstpubes
Alright, here it goes:

So these Spanish conquistadors are exploring south america. In the jungle somewhere, they get ambushed by a wild tribe of natives. Most of them were killed, except for two that survived. Those two were taken prisoner back to their village in the center of the forest. when they arrive, the chief approaches them and says, "You are my prisoners, I am giving you two options, Death or Punta"

The first one decides to choose Punta, thinking that nothing could be worse than death. And so the tribe leader says, "Punta! Get over here!" Out of a hut, comes out a 6 foot tall, 300 pound man with a 20 inch penis, and proceeds to rape the first man for a good two hours. The conquistador comes back with asshole torn, intenstines ripped, etc, but survived the ordeal.

The tribe leader then says, "alright, what will you choose now?" to the second man. The second man thinks to himself, "I'm going to be an honorable man and choose death, for I surely dont want to go through that" He says," I choose death"

with that decision, the tribe leader comes and yells out, "Punta! Get over here!"


i know that one ! i said it in world history when we were talking about the conquistadors the teacher thought it was pure gold !
POST RAWK
#23
Quote by entity0009
Two bears are in a jacuzzi. The bigger of the two looks at the smaller one and says, "No soap, radio"

Gets me every time, no matter how many times I hear it


dear god
⚑⚑⚑⚑⚑
#24
Quote by entity0009
Two bears are in a jacuzzi. The bigger of the two looks at the smaller one and says, "No soap, radio"

Gets me every time, no matter how many times I hear it


I dont get it.
#25
Me neither.
Smell ya later!
Quote by Hippy's Son
wow, these people are a bunch of stupid drama queens. everybody dies, idiots, not every guitar breaks.

UG's resident Pokemon Leauge Champion!
Pokemon RBY CYOA!
#26
Quote by snowbert
I dont get it.

Me neither.
While the wicked stand confounded, call me with thy saints surrounded.
#27
Me neither.


A man died and soon after, went to Heaven. He discovered Heaven was an endless hallway with doors to the left and right. On the door was your IQ number. He went to door 160, and found the people there talking about quantum physics. He slammed the door and went to door 120. He found the people there trying to figure out as many decimal places of pi that they could. He shut the door and went to 80. He found the people in there talking about last night's Packer game. He thought to himself, "I'll come back to this one later," and shut the door. He walked all the way down to 16, and found the people in there talking about Sunday's episode of "King of the Hill." He shut the door, and went to door 7. He found the people in there drooling on each other. Lastly, he went to door 3. He opened the door and heard one of the people say, "My sticks were Zildjian, what were yours?
Quote by Echohead
You seem like quite the gentleman, I must say.


Quote by MetalGuitarest
not relaly jazz fusion.. let alone do i even know what jazz fusion is.. but learn sharp dressed man by zz top
Last edited by Leggett10 at Jan 9, 2010,
#29
Two ducks walk into a bar but find that they have no money to buy drinks. They decide to go beg on the street. The first person they see is a white man. They ask him for money and he says, "Sorry, I left my wallet at home". The second person they see is a black man. (If the listener laughs here, anticipating a black joke, it is customary to reprimand them, saying things like, "Why did you laugh? Do you think black people are funny? Are you a racist?" until the train of thought is lost, then abruptly resume the joke.) The third person they see is a Czechoslovakian pianist. They ask him for money, and he turns to them, and says, "No soap... Radio?"
Quite likes Corrine Bailey Rae's new album Don't hurt me.
#31
Quote by Oli-The-Strange
Two ducks walk into a bar but find that they have no money to buy drinks. They decide to go beg on the street. The first person they see is a white man. They ask him for money and he says, "Sorry, I left my wallet at home". The second person they see is a black man. (If the listener laughs here, anticipating a black joke, it is customary to reprimand them, saying things like, "Why did you laugh? Do you think black people are funny? Are you a racist?" until the train of thought is lost, then abruptly resume the joke.) The third person they see is a Czechoslovakian pianist. They ask him for money, and he turns to them, and says, "No soap... Radio?"


LOL
#32
Quote by Oli-The-Strange
Two ducks walk into a bar but find that they have no money to buy drinks. They decide to go beg on the street. The first person they see is a white man. They ask him for money and he says, "Sorry, I left my wallet at home". The second person they see is a black man. (If the listener laughs here, anticipating a black joke, it is customary to reprimand them, saying things like, "Why did you laugh? Do you think black people are funny? Are you a racist?" until the train of thought is lost, then abruptly resume the joke.) The third person they see is a Czechoslovakian pianist. They ask him for money, and he turns to them, and says, "No soap... Radio?"

Oh, I get it. Its an anti-joke. Great.
While the wicked stand confounded, call me with thy saints surrounded.
#33
A dog walks into the butcher's with a note in it's mouth. The butcher tells the dog to shoo without seeing the note, but he then notices the note and takes it from the Dog. Wrapped up in the note was a ten pound note and a message saying "10 pounds of beef please". So the butcher got ten pounds of beef and gave it to the dog. The dog took the beef and proceeded to the bus stop outside. The butcher thought the dog was a genius and decided to follow it. The dog caught the bus, paid it's fare and took a seat, the Butcher followed. The dog then pushed the bell and got off, the butcher followed. The dog walks down a street and finds a house, it starts bouncing and scratching at the door. It then walks around to the other side, to be met with it's owner. The owner starts smacking the dog and the butcher says " Why are you hitting your dog, He's a genius! ", the owner then says " Genius my arse! This is the fourth day he's forgotten his keys!"

If you didn't find this joke funny, here's a funnier one

Your penis


Oh and if you're a girl and didn't find that funny

Your Penis
They made me do push ups in drag

I'm gonna have a really hard time if we're both cannibals and racists.

Don't dress as a whore, he'll thump you.

I'm a firework, primed to go off
Last edited by padgea7x at Jan 9, 2010,
#35
Quote by entity0009
Two bears are in a jacuzzi. The bigger of the two looks at the smaller one and says, "No soap, radio"

Gets me every time, no matter how many times I hear it


*sees everyone else laughing*

I totally get it
.

Disclaimer: By reading the above post, you agree that El Hilliaro is legally and morally free from any responsiblity should any harm be incurred by said post.


Also, you agree that I'm awesome and own all your stuff now.
#36
Quote by Leggett10
Me neither.


A man died and soon after, went to Heaven. He discovered Heaven was an endless hallway with doors to the left and right. On the door was your IQ number. He went to door 160, and found the people there talking about quantum physics. He slammed the door and went to door 120. He found the people there trying to figure out as many decimal places of pi that they could. He shut the door and went to 80. He found the people in there talking about last night's Packer game. He thought to himself, "I'll come back to this one later," and shut the door. He walked all the way down to 16, and found the people in there talking about Sunday's episode of "King of the Hill." He shut the door, and went to door 7. He found the people in there drooling on each other. Lastly, he went to door 3. He opened the door saw the pit.

Fixed.


I've gotta post outside of the pit....
Smell ya later!
Quote by Hippy's Son
wow, these people are a bunch of stupid drama queens. everybody dies, idiots, not every guitar breaks.

UG's resident Pokemon Leauge Champion!
Pokemon RBY CYOA!
#37
what do coffee and Eric Clapton have in common?

they both suck without cream.


P.S. Check my profile! need to get 100 views!
Quote by element4433
What if the way their wieners were positioned they could only pee into each other's mouths?

And one had his finger joined to the other's butthole?

PLAY
UG
MINECRAFT



Or don't. Yeah don't.
#40
This thread should be named the "Anti-Humour" thread :P
Quite likes Corrine Bailey Rae's new album Don't hurt me.
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