#1
just edited a good portion of this


Many years ago, more than the human mind could comprehend, God sat down and had a talk with God.

'You know, I have an idea. I'm going to take this water stuff lying over here and put some on this rock. I'm in town and thought I'd mix things up a bit before I left for the next galaxy.'
Sounds like a plan, God! Why this one though, seems kinda puny...
'Well, I tried it with a couple of other places but the star was too big or the rock was too far away. This one seems okay. I can probably find something even better elsewhere, but I'll give it a shot here.'
Alright, can't hurt. It'll work out as it should; we didn't create the drive to live for nothing, now did we?. We've gotta pick up and leave soon, though.

And so God, knowing things would work out the way they were meant to, tweaked a bit here and there and got the water over to what we now know as Earth. He did a few things we think we have a hunch about, but will never know for sure, and soon enough things began to form.

Lo and behold, cells came out. It all made sense at the time that it happened. These cells had certain ways of doing things, and some worked better than others; eventually the ones that worked well proliferated, took more of the resources, and either wiped the others out or made them leave elsewhere.

These things that did manage to adapt kept changing even more over time. Things really wanted to keep going, or at least, that's what they were made to do. Generations were no longer satisfied; there was more to be done and plenty available to do it with. Things became more complex. More was being created. Each step further made more and more sense, everything was predictable - what worked was working and what didn't work died, or at least went away to somewhere where it could have more of a chance of working.

It was all so very simple, and God knew what he was doing when he made it that way. There was no pain or strife; it was accepted that things that were broken had no place being around, because hell, they just couldn't keep up.

----------------------------------------------------


The lion prowled through the tall grass, the same toasted shade of gold spun through the wheat silk and fur, enormous muscles contracting, relaxing, contracting, relaxing, heavy breath spewed out moist in the dry heat. Powerful jaws, enough to crush any skull, twitched in anticipation of its kill.

The antelope, a graceful and fluid whir of brown, raised its head at an instant. The same bothersome twitch came about in its leg, sensing some kind of movement in the fields outward. Upon its head it wore a crown of antlers, growing in different directions like wayward branches, ready to face an oncoming threat. However, the creature knew - its weapons were no match for what was ahead, for in these worlds, pride did not exist. Its job was not to praise the name of Antelope against the face of civilization, but only to survive.

Hundreds of antelope fled as the lion began its chase. They knew that one would die, but they knew not of surrender and did what they could to escape the inevitable fate.

The lion pounced upon one of the antelope, gripping in its claws, stifling any movement, killing it in the quickest way possible. There was no malice in his bite as he clamped his teeth into the flesh, only hunger and the will to survive. He called over to his peers and began to feed.

The antelope instantly came to a calm and returned to their grazing. There was no reason to fret now, for the lion has gotten what it came for and needed no more. There was no reason to disturb the order, and there had never been an instance in which the order had been disturbed - why would it happen? The creatures only lived to live, as they had been made to do and understood to follow.


----------------------------


The native bore his strong shoulders upon his tough chest, stepped with gentle feet upon the soft soil, whispered into the breeze and screamed into the storm - he rose with the sun and, as his ancestors, died in his sleep when he withered away. He paid respect to the mother who bore him, for he could never return the favor. He gave love to the wife that cared for him, for without it he would have no reason to continue on. Finally, he worshipped the world around him, for without it he would have no meaning. His bronzed skin was no match for the tawny autumn sky, and he could fathom no words to match the whisper of trees at dawn.

He dug an arrow into the meat of a doe, still shedding a tear as she fell to the ground, though there had been many before her. He brought it back to the homes, used its skin and bones and soul and left no trace, let the grass in the forest grow to feed more in the future, and kept the antlers in remembrance that this creature had more power than he could ever wish for, yet still a spirit that never wished to hurt. He only wished he could move with the grace of four legs, grimacing at his exposed belly, wishing to stow away his heart under a cloak of hide that God hadn't blessed his fellow man with.


--------------------------------------------------------------------

The man stepped outside, bought his cup of coffee, scoffed at the dirt on his shoes and stepped into his car. He filled up his gas tank, got to his office, and looked up porn on his computer until the day had passed. He marveled at the great steps being taken to plant more trees in the city, he marveled at the great implimentation of recycling bins in his building, and most of all he marveled at his wife's decision to buy only organic chicken from the store from now on. He knew it would take some adjusting, but eventually things would be for the best. He even flet chipper enough to donate that dollar to the starving child in the picture when the lady asked him at the register. He fed his pet bird a few seeds and locked the cage, kissed the lipstick off of his wife, and stood in awe of what a beautiful world God had left for him to manage.
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Last edited by vintage x metal at Jan 11, 2010,
#2
...what?

...tl;dr
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#4
can a mod please move this to the bandleading forum? I think that would be a better spot for it. please read the rules TS.

...
ps. this looks awesome, only read the first sentence of every paragraph, will return
#5
The lions pounced upon one of the antelope, gripping its claws in like a mother pulling her child out of the way of an oncoming bus,
I feel that the bus is out of place. Chronologically speaking, the world and narrator wouldn't know of it yet.

This was 'enough'.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#6
I really think the only thing holding this back is the flow. You have all the ideas and all the images you need. From God's cosmic playground in the first section to the concluding connection to modern times in the last, you've supplied yourself with the ideas that can make this piece great. Right now though, I feel like it's lacking any consistent rhythm to it. There are parts (in the first part, for instance) that drag on a bit. There are things in there that you can trim because, in comparison with the conciseness of the last three parts, it feels sort of frayed and loose.

I know that you're not much a fan of editing but I really think you could make this into something great. Not the ideas and images aren't great (because they are), but all that this is missing is that flow, that rhythm that carries me from sentence to sentence and image to image. I know you have it in you to do it because you did it on your last prose piece.

Interesting idea though for sure.
here, My Dear, here it is
#7
Ryan, I'm more against editing poetry, at least significantly editing it, since it's so concise to begin with and often goes with the flow of the thought process. I'd rather just rewrite the whole thing, unless it's only a materr of a few words or a line or two. Prose, on the other hand, is so much more drawn out and has more 'filler', or at least, more space to edit and work things out. I need to edit this, which is why I posted.

Thank you guys for the crits, I'm going to make some changes to this tonight. I wrote this on the spot a couple of hours ago.
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#8
I like this for what it means and I'm in love with the title.

But I thought it was predictable, honestly. I knew what was going to happen once I got about halfway through. The tone kept changing on me and I wish it would have been consistent. I was fading in and out of interest. One paragraph you would really have me or a certain line would hook me and the next paragraph I would lose a little bit of interest. I think when you clean it up, it'll be much better.
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#9
Unlike my Wallacian friend above, I hate the title. But that is neither here nor there.

The beginning reads like an immature Douglas Adams, which is really a compliment, considering how many decades of practice he put into his style. there's potential. I like it. Like Subway said, the flow really hurts the piece as a whole. While I understand the need to show each stage of evolution in its proper context (the last one being by far the most disheartening), the styles changing so abruptly (something not even little dashes can account for) begs for the reader's attention to be diverted away from this, which, I imagine, is not the intended purpose.

Keep the ideas, smooth the style, and scrap the title.
#10
agree with sean about the title. human-centered god is salvagable but the rest was a turnoff

id try to make the repetition in the second big paragraph more consistent and paralleled

id also try to limit saying "Hell, _____" more than once in such a short space. a lot of colloquialisms like that a lot of the time just sound wrong when used more than once and its not done with any device in mind. its a little bothersome here.

I thought the natural selection/evolution/whatever stuff in the first section was over the top.

sex "came about" was kinda clumsy and lazy sounding. come about is kind of a bland way of saying what happened and it just didnt fit with the flow there.

if you work out the inconsistencies in the voice, at least within sections it would improve a lot.

the repetition could be used more to your advantage

the lions color description was kind of out of nowhere stylistically

i pretty much agree with every relevant sentiment to the piece besides tldr or whatever

it was really enjoyable, a little predictable but still a good sentiment and I wasnt bored through it. I was getting into it. Nice job. nice to see something expansive from you too.
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#11
just edited the shit out of this
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#12
Quote by vintage x metal
just edited the shit out of this

That sounds like something someone would say when pointing to their stomach and walking out of a bathroom.
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#13
^ this isnt the pit, boy!
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it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




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#14
The intro to this piece, the conversation bit, was probably the biggest turnoff of the piece.

The rest of it was just quaint commentary, to me. Outlining the basic movement of history that many of us have come to accept.

I think there's a little more to life then that, though, sorry.
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