#1
i hear the quietest sparks
as my fingers touch the doorknob
and i offer a silent wimper
to the static electricity within our sheets
still static;
the bare branches
when the autumn winds blow past
and my father rubs his bald spot
while gazing out our window;
the dandelions in the thunderstorm
and there are dead flowers and deader tears
at the funeral of a kid i knew
who had fallen down an elevator shaft.


and the bullet exits the chamber and cleanly splits my head.
when did the world turn to powder
and when did my mind start to itch within my skull?
a simple burning
and with the wrong combination,
a simple explosion,
a simple searing pain and a simple,
slow
death.
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Jan 10, 2010,
#2
Quote by SubwayToVenus
i hear the quietest sparks
as my fingers touch the doorknob
and i offer a silent wimper
wimper?
to the static electricity within our sheets
would like some punctuation at the end of this
still static;
the bare branches
when the autumnal winds blow past
maybe autumn instead of autumnal?
and my father rubs his bald spot
while gazing out our window;
the dandelions in the thunderstorm
and i reread the news clippings
needs more of a connect between the above two lines, abrupt
of a kid i knew
falling down an elevator shaft.


and the bullet exits the chamber and cleanly splits my head.
when did the world turn to powder
and when did my mind start to itch within my skull?
taking out the 'and' at the beginning of this line and adding a question mark at the end of 'powder' makes the statement stand with more strengtha simple burning
and with the wrong combination,
a simple explosion,
a simple searing pain and a simple,
slow
death.

I really like the images in the beginning and I love the comparison of powder.


I can never tell which poems mean something to you and which ones you just wrote to write, Ryan.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

Last edited by vintage x metal at Jan 10, 2010,
#3
Thanks Saadia. I made some quick changes to it.

Quote by vintage x metal

I can never tell which poems mean something to you and which ones you just wrote to write, Ryan.


Is that a good or a bad thing?
here, My Dear, here it is
#4
I suppose it depends on how you look at it. It either means that you're a damn good writer and can fool people into believing you, or it means you can't express the more honest feelings from personal things from more... contrived emotions.

I don't know. I always enjoy you. I just don't feel like I know you afterwards, or if I should feel that I do. It's not necessarily a bad thing, if that's not what you're shooting for
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#5
Wow, What an abrubt change in the middle!
As always it was wonderful. The only think that grated was "quietest" in the first line. It just doesn't seem like the best of word choices. Maybe if you said, the "quietest of sparks." Or "I hear the softest spark" of "I hear the faintest spark."
Great poem as always.

Now Now children, no flaming.

Quote by Cous Cous =>
one day
these yu-gi-oh cards will pay off my mortgage
#6
^Thanks man. I appreciate it. Anything you want me to take a look at?
here, My Dear, here it is