#1
I'm back now. c4c.


...to see the sun set twice;
parallel visions,
paralyzed places.
Fire mounted on the western sky,
a trophy hanging sadly amidst
unfinished business.

We've chased the horizon with
static filled ears.
Masked ourselves with manic faces;
balancing the melancholy of
a burning earth, a smoking sky.
Replaced homesickness with cabin fever,
while etching ourselves a path toward
remembrance and familiarity.
I hear a beckoning from home call to her
and watch her face light up the mezzosphere.
#2
I know I'm supposed to write constructive criticism, but all I can really say is that I quite liked your piece =) Obviously the first verse is the best if only in terms of rhyming and rhythm. The other two are a bit hard, at least for me, to "sing", meaning it's hard for me to think of a melody or a rhythmic pattern right here on the spot, but then I've listened to a countless number of bands, all with their unique style of singing, so I'm sure there are more than enough ways to sing this. So yeah, what can I say, good job. I like the meaning, of course. At least the way I see it =)
for rent
#3
Quote by ZanasCross
I'm back now. c4c.


...to see the sun set twice;
parallel visions,
paralyzed places.
Fire mounted on the western sky,
a trophy hanging sadly amidst
unfinished business.

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by the whole "sun setting twice" business. Is it watching it from two different perspectives, two different people, perhaps? Is it being drunk, maybe, with double vision? Watching it multiple times? Maybe you were going for the ambiguity, but to me it didn't seem to contribute much to the piece overall.

I do like how you begin it with the "..." to give it sort of the air of continuing something, like the reader has just walked in on a conversation. I also like the alliteration and general repeating sounds of the "parallel visions / paralyzed places" bit. It's quite lyrical.


We've chased the horizon with
static filled ears.
Masked ourselves with manic faces;
balancing the melancholy of
a burning earth, a smoking sky.
Replaced homesickness with cabin fever,
while etching ourselves a path toward
remembrance and familiarity.

Again, I really like how you repeat sounds, like with "Masked...manic...melancholy". It makes the piece very smooth and readable. Meaning-wise, though, I'm still a tad lost. The imagery is nice, but pretty vague, and I don't really understand who the "we" are supposed to be.


We've been climbing a ladder of hopelessness,
but I can now show her the peak
and watch her face light up the mezzosphere.

I get the feeling that this is supposed to be the sort of "a-ha" moment, but I don't find it quite clear enough. I get the feeling that the piece is about a struggling relationship, but I'm not confident by any means in that assertion. Again, your use of words is very good, and the word "mezzosphere" is a great way to end it, but overall it seems too vague to me. If you could make it clearer what you are trying to write about while still keeping the same lyrical flow, I think it could be improved quite a bit. It still is an enjoyable read, though.
Comments in teh greenz.

Is it can be C4C? Mine is here, if you would be so kind.
kill all humans
#4
will be back!
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#5
Quote by ZanasCross
I'm back now. c4c.


...to see the sun set twice;
parallel visions,
paralyzed places.
Fire mounted on the western sky,
a trophy hanging sadly amidst
unfinished business.
this is sad. really gets in the mood

We've chased the horizon with
static filled ears.
Masked ourselves with manic faces;
balancing the melancholy of
a burning earth, a smoking sky.
Replaced homesickness with cabin fever,
while etching ourselves a path toward
remembrance and familiarity.
good follow up from the 1st stanza

We've been climbing a ladder of hopelessness,
but I can now show her the peak
and watch her face light up the mezzosphere.
needs more line. kinda short. and whats a mezzosphere?



overall, it was good. i was eager to read more, but it just ends there.

crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1258926
Quote by ATM*
cool, two reports in one thread. You, sir, are a superstar.

*reported*

*again*


i'm a superstar
#6
Thanks. I'll get back to you guys soon.

Gak: This is a non-rhythmic poetry, not quite lyrics. Thanks though.

For the record, alaskan_ninja, I had something in mind when I wrote it, yes... but its more important to find something in it that you relate to, rather than what I meant for you to get. Just a tidbit that will probably help you to read poetry adn lyrics in a way that will make them more enjoyable to you.

Looking forward to it Ms. Saadia.

Rafael90: fficial&hs=p9U&ei=_YtKS-OfB4Gvtge7loXkDQ&sa=X&oi=spell&resnum=0&ct=result&cd=1&ved=0CAQQBSgA&q=define%3A+mesosphere&spell=1">Mezzosphere: It is also an acceptable spelling for mesosphere.
#7
I'm trying to decide whether "sadly" is placed in the correct, working spot or not. It seems like it should be switched with "hanging".

Its current placement dictates that the actual hanging is sad, while placing it beforehand points back to the trophy, not its action. Unless that's what's you're going for.
#8
Quote by ZanasCross
For the record, alaskan_ninja, I had something in mind when I wrote it, yes... but its more important to find something in it that you relate to, rather than what I meant for you to get. Just a tidbit that will probably help you to read poetry adn lyrics in a way that will make them more enjoyable to you.
That's kinda it, though. I found it a bit too vague for me to actually relate to at all.
kill all humans
#9
...to see the sun set twice;
parallel visions,
paralyzed places.
Fire mounted on the western sky,
a trophy hanging sadly amidst
unfinished business.

I LOVE the imagery! The beginning of the song just sets a tone I'm down with. The last two lines are a change of pace in terms of wording, however, they work with the whole sunset imagery. Powerful.

We've chased the horizon with
static filled ears.
Masked ourselves with manic faces;
balancing the melancholy of
a burning earth, a smoking sky.
Replaced homesickness with cabin fever,
while etching ourselves a path toward
remembrance and familiarity.

Once again, I find myself enjoying the lyrics. More great imagery, more deft wordplay, more good poetry. I really can't critique this.

We've been climbing a ladder of hopelessness,
but I can now show her the peak
and watch her face light up the mezzosphere.
__________________

Yeah, man, I wish I could critique this, but you're a far superior lyricist than I.

One thing though, is this being written to a song, or is it likely to remain poetry?

One Love,
M.

P.S, Perhaps you could show me a thing or two about my newest song. Not long, but something I'd like to expand. It's in my sig, appreciate if you could.
#10
I really like the direction zach. Its got more heart in it than the more socially and observant and scientifically oriented and whatever stuff youve done in the past. not to overgeneralize.

at first i hated the word mezzosphere here but its grown a bit on me

nice to see you again
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#11
Your distinct word choice always drops me off in another world and I feel like you have a knack for creating great atmosphere in your writing. This piece was no different.

I wasn't much a fan of "a ladder of hopelessness". Maybe a ladder towards hopelessness? But maybe it's implied that you'd be climbing towards hopelessness if you were on a ladder of hopelessness. Nevertheless, I didn't like how the metaphor looked on the page.

Good job though. Don't feel obligated to return anything as you could hardly call this a crit.
here, My Dear, here it is
#13
The imagery is spectacular, "Fire mounted on a western sky" is an amazing line to me. I think the abstractness/depth of it gave me a little distance from the actual subject, but in the way that allowed me to stand and see the picture you created. Great. If you could look at mine that'd be great, I'd love to know what you think.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1259169
#14
Quote by ZanasCross
I'm back now. c4c.


...to see the sun set twice;
ellipses unnecessary
parallel visions,
paralyzed places.
liked the repetition of 'para'
Fire mounted on the western sky,
a trophy hanging sadly amidst
could find a better word than 'sadly'
unfinished business.

We've chased the horizon with dont necessarily need a break here
static filled ears.
Masked ourselves with manic faces;
also don't need the semicolon, the break suffices
balancing the melancholy of
a burning earth, a smoking sky.
'smoking' just sounds odd. maybe 'smoky' or 'smoke-filled'?
Replaced homesickness with cabin fever,
while etching ourselves a path toward
remembrance and familiarity.
you say 'remembrance and familiarity' but simply saying it isn't going to make anyone empathize or feel you.

We've been climbing a ladder of hopelessness,
but I can now show her the peak
and watch her face light up the mezzosphere.
loved this last bit

I like this, Zach. Very open-ended. My only complaint was the punctuation but you do have a much different style than I do when it comes to that. You've got some intriguing images and I think you could do a lot more with some of them.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#15
I actually liked your first two stanzas. And you know me-reading-you, that's tough to do. The last stanza just felt so bright and cheery and cheesy though, completely ran it into the ground; knowing you that might have been completely intentional, but I really wish it wasn't.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#17
I always like your inclusion of what I've come to refer to as "school words" (mathematical or scientific terms and the like)
It adds just a touch of awkward that brings it to life,


though I could've sworn it's spelled mesosphere ?
#18
Quote by greyeyedfire



though I could've sworn it's spelled mesosphere ?


It is. However as far as environmentalists and physicists are concerned mezzosphere is an appropriate substitute, just like colour works as well as color.

I prefer the mezzo- form; just love the way it jumps of the page.