#1
The will to become hides itself within
the pores of my skin
I want to explain how it found it's way there
but I am a victim of a series of accidents
as we all are

And I was meant for more than this
Luck dictates the direction I go
Which planets I visit
or view from their moons

"We are utterly indifferent," they tell me
"About which heavens we orbit against".

And they're breaking up.
They resign
They withdraw
They quit
They barely whispered as they spun out of control

And now I am sitting on Titan
Dreaming of an Indianapolis sunset
and my luck has run out

c4c
Nikolas
#2
Quote by ROCK=ZEPPELIN
The will to become hides itself within
the pores of my skin
I want to explain how it found it's way there
but I am a victim of a series of accidents
as we all are

"I am a victim of a series of accidents"...I love that. It sets a great mood for the piece, and I fully agree with the idea that "we all are". That final line in the stanza feels awfully awkward and obvious, though, so I'd suggest thinking of a way to rephrase it. Great first stanza, I think.


And I was meant for more than this
Luck dictates the direction I go
Which planets I visit
or view from their moons

The first line in this stanza seems incredibly cliche, and for me it kind of kills the mood a little. It gets better after that, though. I like the expansive feeling you create by mentioning planets and moons and whatnot.

"We are utterly indifferent," they tell me
"About which heavens we orbit against".

Love love love this part. The personification of the celestial bodies seems perfect here, as does the broader implication. I do wonder if you could rephrase it just a bit better, though. Would planets and moons really say this?

And they're breaking up.
They resign
They withdraw
They quit
They barely whispered as they spun out of control

I don't entirely see the point of this stanza. It seems a bit hurried and not really essential to the piece as a whole. I'd suggest reworking it or seeing if you can do without it altogether.

And now I am sitting on Titan
Dreaming of an Indianapolis sunset
and my luck has run out

I love the first two lines here, and don't like the last one at all. It's a similar thing to what I mentioned about the first stanza, how it feels awkward and overdone. From reading this, I can tell that you're clearly capable of saying things in novel ways, so do that here. Or maybe you don't need the last line at all, since the first two are so good. I love the specificity of Titan versus Indianapolis. It makes it feel genuine.

c4c
Comments in purple.

Overall, I liked it quite a bit. Here and there you have lines that seem unnecessary or out of place, and if you eliminated or changed those I think it could be even better. Very solid, though.


Mind doing mine? It's here, if you would be so kind.
kill all humans