#1
About recent events in my life, had to get over it somehow. Open for criticism. Hooray for my BR00TAL Deaths metals band!

"***** of Gomorrah" (working title)

The Unfaithful in virgin dress
Forever searching for lost souls
With guided hands she dost possess the caress
That in time will take its toll

Unholy attributes shape the scythe
The pagan ritual awaits
Keeping an amount of copulated plight
She unleashes hell on the mans fragile state

Unforeseen events of dawn
Chalice filled with blood
Temptation of all
Gods mortal jest
This divine being
Agrat-bat-mahlat
With rotting wings
Amusing herself with mans weak heart

Temptations blade cuts the strongest down
Inadvertently makes their hearts cold
Gomorrian ***** in her blood soaked gown
Aware of the power to unfold

Succubi brings damnation to innocent souls
Yahweh takes the axe and cuts the rope
Gomorrah's Apocalypse now unfolds

She stands on the hill unwavering as the buildings fall
Children and women burn with it all
Amused by what she hath brought forth
With black wings she descends and assumes her rightful throne in Ade


EDIT: wow I didnt know Who re was a banned word
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Guitars
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Gibson SG Special
1987 Fender Strat
Epiphone PR-150

Amp and Effects
Peavey Valveking 112
Boss DD-6
Crybaby Wah-wah
Ibanez TS-9DX
Banshee 2 Talkbox


Crit plz! Wh ore of Gommorah
Last edited by angus is god at Jan 22, 2010,
#2
wow man I have to say that was amazing haha I seriously can't find anything wrong with it

maybe the complicated wording could be a turnoff to some people
but for any good connisseur of metal complicated wording wouldn't be a problem

very very good man, five stars
Quote by Ikey
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#3
Much obliged.
My obligatory gear list

Guitars
Schecter C-1 Classic
Gibson SG Special
1987 Fender Strat
Epiphone PR-150

Amp and Effects
Peavey Valveking 112
Boss DD-6
Crybaby Wah-wah
Ibanez TS-9DX
Banshee 2 Talkbox


Crit plz! Wh ore of Gommorah
#4
she seems to be my type. rawr.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#5
lol you can have her
My obligatory gear list

Guitars
Schecter C-1 Classic
Gibson SG Special
1987 Fender Strat
Epiphone PR-150

Amp and Effects
Peavey Valveking 112
Boss DD-6
Crybaby Wah-wah
Ibanez TS-9DX
Banshee 2 Talkbox


Crit plz! Wh ore of Gommorah
#6
The 'possesses the caress' needs to be put before 'that in time' otherwise it's too much alliteration to handle in one line.

You could drop the 'angel' as it's pretty redundant, one of the main cliches in metal. It's probably not needed to say it.

The last line is also too long, it'd benefit well by a line break as well as the cliche of 'hell' use a synonyms or another word, You can write intelligently so you don't have to use words like that.

It's really solid. Good work.
#7
typical death metal-y lyrics. pretty well done. props.
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#8
Thanks, ya kinda typical but it's all a mask really.
My obligatory gear list

Guitars
Schecter C-1 Classic
Gibson SG Special
1987 Fender Strat
Epiphone PR-150

Amp and Effects
Peavey Valveking 112
Boss DD-6
Crybaby Wah-wah
Ibanez TS-9DX
Banshee 2 Talkbox


Crit plz! Wh ore of Gommorah
Last edited by angus is god at Jan 19, 2010,
#10
dude, youve obviously got talent, im not into this kind of songwriting personally but WOW. brilliant work man.
#11
You can't say *****?
Quote by hard_rock101
if i started a brutal death metal band, id call it Bleeding Asshole
Quote by abdulalhazred
I really don't know whether I hope this is a troll thread or not....... I mean...either he raped a girl
Or thinks it's ****ing hilarious to joke about it.
He's a monster either way.
#12
Of course you can say whore, if you just believe.

Anyway, to avoid a complete spam post, I'll just say that as a person who listens to a lot of death metal, this is pretty typical. Generally the writing isn't some Shakespearian stuff, (though Lord Worm has written some pretty weird things) so it's pretty much what I expected. Just make sure it sounds cool all growly, and you'll be alright.
#13
My problem with this, and frankly with a lot of metal lyrics, is that the lyrical effect has virtually nothing to do with the actual meaning of the words used in the song. You rely heavily on the sound of the words, rather than any rhetorical ploy of grammar, so it comes off (to me, admittedly an English teacher) as ignorant.

Particularly rankling is "she hath possess the caress," which besides the fact that it wouldn't mean much if it were grammatically correct, is bad grammar. If you're going to use Middle English, at least try to use it right. "Hath" means the same as "has," which... gah! You're breaking my head, here, kid.

She has possess the caress? Really?
#14
^^
Quote by hard_rock101
if i started a brutal death metal band, id call it Bleeding Asshole
Quote by abdulalhazred
I really don't know whether I hope this is a troll thread or not....... I mean...either he raped a girl
Or thinks it's ****ing hilarious to joke about it.
He's a monster either way.
#15
Quote by Nilchii
My problem with this, and frankly with a lot of metal lyrics, is that the lyrical effect has virtually nothing to do with the actual meaning of the words used in the song. You rely heavily on the sound of the words, rather than any rhetorical ploy of grammar, so it comes off (to me, admittedly an English teacher) as ignorant.

Particularly rankling is "she hath possess the caress," which besides the fact that it wouldn't mean much if it were grammatically correct, is bad grammar. If you're going to use Middle English, at least try to use it right. "Hath" means the same as "has," which... gah! You're breaking my head, here, kid.

She has possess the caress? Really?

In my defense, it was originally "she possesses the caress" but I thought it had too much alliteration.

I always thought hath meant a form of "does". Thanks though I'll change it right away.
My obligatory gear list

Guitars
Schecter C-1 Classic
Gibson SG Special
1987 Fender Strat
Epiphone PR-150

Amp and Effects
Peavey Valveking 112
Boss DD-6
Crybaby Wah-wah
Ibanez TS-9DX
Banshee 2 Talkbox


Crit plz! Wh ore of Gommorah