#1
wrote this a while ago added a couple lines and reposted let me know what you think C4C leave a link


I find solace in the silence
even if it tears me apart
a chance to think about the
cliche stuff you think about
like life and love
its been 3 months today,
doesnt seem that long,
but I'm surprised you stayed away
Im going to forget you right,
even if, in your eyes, its wrong
then again, what's right in the eyes
of a perfectionist when the one
you judge is only human?

I find solace in this bottle
even if it tears me apart
a chance to think about the
cliche stuff you think about
like life and love
I should have stayed away
never looked back
at first glance it read Bacardi
but I didn't know it was a reflection pool
and it would bring back these memories of you
but I don't care anymore
a couple more shots and I'll be through
I'm done with you
well, at least for tonight
#2
good concept, so true

i like the repeating of the 1st line, but with the bottle, it really brings it together in terms of the 2 scenarios or perceptions

overall the flow is good, but the transition from "but I'm surprised you stayed away" to the next line "Im going to forget you right," could be smoother, but it might have been the rhythm i was reading it to.


good job

c4c https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1282552

'08 Ibanez S5470 Prestige
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#3
great concept for the song. i love the stanzas. but i don't think you had to use the word "Bacardi" even though it fits. it's just that the first line of the stanza already stated that you were refering to alcohol. but i really to love this piece.
#4
well, at least for tonight


This was so well done, then you had to go and kill it with that last line
#5
I like it. I really enjoyed how you accepted that the subject is a bit cliche within the piece but told the story anyways. My favorite lines are "but I didn't know it was a reflection pool/and it would bring back these memories of you". And Bacardi is necessary, to me. The detail is important, and the fact that it's not Jack or Jim or any other cliche is excellent. Also, I actually enjoyed the last line. It's actually probably my second favorite line the way it works in.
#6
Thanks for the crits guys, and greyeyedfire, I think that the line your talking about will be spoken at the end as the music fades because it messes with the flow and it just sounds better like that
#7
this song is really deep and it does speak truth. I agree that the last line should be spoken. i also liked how you didn't force anything to rhyme, you just let it flow more free verse, and then the internal near rhyme of "I find solace in the Silence" i think it was really good.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1283660 c4c?
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#8
First of all thank you for the crit. I appreciate it. Secondly, I agree with everyone else here. You have some great ideas here. My biggest gripe with the piece is that it doesn't seem to flow. Which doesn't matter if it's prose ,but if it's supposed to abe a song/poem it needs to have some sort of rhythm and I can't find any. You break up line at "weird" place. Sorry for the lame crit. I really liked the piece, but the way it was layed out made it difficult to read.
#9
For such a cliche subject, you pulled that off really well. I actually like that last line and agree that it should be spoken as the song fades out. I really enjoyed the piece but the only problem I had with it was the "like life and love" line seemed cheesy and cliche to me, although no one else seemes to have a problem with it.

c4c
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1287869
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life


Hmm, Waldo doesn't seem to be trying anymore.
#10
Quote by Pickled Cactus
For such a cliche subject, you pulled that off really well. I actually like that last line and agree that it should be spoken as the song fades out. I really enjoyed the piece but the only problem I had with it was the "like life and love" line seemed cheesy and cliche to me, although no one else seemes to have a problem with it.

c4c
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1287869


I'll get to it as soon as I can
#11
Bacardi is unnecessary, you've already prefaced us.
"a chance to think about the
cliche stuff you think about
like life and love"
- i feel like you could show this, rather than just name these concepts. Maybe have the person you are talking about say something that IS cliche, and reflect over that. Don't know, just an idea.

"then again, what's right in the eyes
of a perfectionist when the one
you judge is only human?"
- This passage seems rather clumsy to me. Again, I feel like you could show this somehow, rather than just say this.

All the rest seems pretty well done to me. I like the darker turn this story took when you introduced the alcohol, it seems cliche but somehow it worked for me.