#1
out here on the streets
such a pretty place to meet
set fire to your house
and watch your life melt
come run away with me
into our dreams
we'll watch the whole world collapse
while we sit back and laugh

but our feelings remain
we feel exactly the same
so open and so free
we're all each other needs
and believe me when I say
love is quick to slip away
it'll break you at your knees
if you don't hold on with your teeth

the days can grow so dark
but by night there's a spark
the feeling of disease
is blown away with the breeze
but one day it will come back
it will bite until we snap
in between its teeth
we sound out our screams

but our feelings remain
we feel exactly the same
so open and so free
we're all each other needs
and believe me when I say
love is quick to slip away
it'll bring you to your knees
if you don't firmly plant your feet
and to this very day
I feel I need to say
you're all I'll ever need
you're all I'll ever breathe
and to this very day
I feel I need to say
you're all I'll ever see
you are everything to me
#2
Just read it, no time to crit, I will say the idea is good but the rhyming seems very forced.
-

#4
wots the structure as in chorus/verse also the line in our dreams in the first paragraph doesn't really flow with the rest of the verse. id say it needs an extra 3 syllables to match the second lines. but that's me being a little anal maybe =)
That Mad English Child 0.o
Gear: -
Fender Stratocaster
Les Paul custom
Washburn Force 4
Rickenbacker 4003
Self-hand made Electric guitar
Self-hand made Bass
and a rubbish acoustic =)
#6
my apologies lol
unfortunately i cant think of anything offhand to help fix it
That Mad English Child 0.o
Gear: -
Fender Stratocaster
Les Paul custom
Washburn Force 4
Rickenbacker 4003
Self-hand made Electric guitar
Self-hand made Bass
and a rubbish acoustic =)
#8
trying to think of things/suggestions (they may not be good lol)
forgotten?
frustrated?
minds made up?
minds denied?
(im worried about the amount of oppression im suggesting now)
sanctuary of dreams - if sanctuary is said as 2 syllables
That Mad English Child 0.o
Gear: -
Fender Stratocaster
Les Paul custom
Washburn Force 4
Rickenbacker 4003
Self-hand made Electric guitar
Self-hand made Bass
and a rubbish acoustic =)
#10
I loved how you opened it up. I thought that was a fantastic intro but the chorus and the outro are a bit cliche. The second verse was pretty good too. I personally would fix the chorus mainly. Maybe put in some more imagery or original metaphors.

Sorry for taking a while to crit yours, i was away for the weekend. Thanks for your crit on Cell Phone.