This was so much fun to write. Enjoy.


What you are holding in your hand is the miniature version of the definitive guide to grave robbing. Within these finely processed pages, you will uncover the perfect way to exhume whoever flirts your fancy. Whether you are looking for a cadaver to dissect in a university morgue, or just feel lonely and need some extra company to take you through the darker times of your life, then look no further than these very pages.

After this short introduction, just read the following 7 Steps To Rob a Grave and in no time you will be extolling the virtues of grave robbing to your friends and relatives, but remember, be wary of telling everyone, for if you tell the wrong person, very soon someone will be exhuming you.

Now following are the 7 Steps to Rob a Grave.

Step 1: First of all, you must decide what you need. Are you wanting valuable goods such as jewellery, or are you looking more toward the sins of the flesh? Therefore, research your area for exactly what you need. There are burial records in all churches and many are kept in village/town/city halls and in libraries, if you are something of an antiques collector. Once you’ve decided what you’re after, you must pick the right grave from the thousands of records you’ve scoured. As it is personal to your tastes, I shall not help you in deciding what to look for in these pages. Listen to your heart and you will find it. If you want a body for purposes illicit, I suggest looking for a fresh grave, no older than two weeks.

Step 2: Research your surroundings. The last thing you need to happen is to be seen only for you to run away in a blind panic straight into a dead-end alley or a police station. A brothel is fine. Therefore, you must scout the area immediately surrounding your chosen grave, from public pathways, to buildings that overlook the area, and escape routes should the worst situation arise.

Step 3: Choose your weapon (no pun intended.) Of course, for the amateur, you may well think a spade is but a spade. But alas, there are many different flavours of spade to choose from, from simply digging up weeds to fixing 9/11. You need something in between, the classic grave digger’s spade. I strongly suggest the tapermouth spade as it can dig through the hardest of soils and is quite excellent when it comes to levelling off the land after you fill in the hole again. Only use grafter spades if your grave is overgrown with tree roots. Avoid the Irish shovel, it’s shit.

The next three steps concern the grave itself:

Step 4: Digging the grave. This is a very important step. Perhaps even the most important. What you need to ascertain before you dig (only if you are exhuming the entire body) is to create a hole large enough that you uncover the entire cadaver. You will be the laughing stock of your village should you dig a hole and discover that you can exhume all but the head, the most important part of the body. If you accidentally keep the feet below ground, that’s fine, they’re useless anyway, unless you are a double-foot amputee. To dig the grave properly, put the spade tip about an inch into the ground, put one foot on the shoulder of the blade, and raise the other leg off the ground. If the soil you are digging up is especially hard, jump up and down. When the entire blade is in the soil, pull down on the handle so it comes towards you and push forward as you do so. Lift the spade out and the blade should now be full of soil and grass. Throw the contents to one side, quite close to the grave. Repeat until you reach the bottom.

Step 5: Exhumation. If you are not lifting a body, just grab your stuff and continue to step 6. For the exhumation process, you excavate the area around the body to make it easier for yourself to lift the body out. Once done, you need to get the body from the bottom of the grave to the fresh air above your head. I suggest using the simplest technique, the fireman’s lift. If you are unsure what a fireman’s lift is, I recommend my Firefighting Skills For The Everyday Man Pocketbook, on sale now. You could also lift the corpse and hold it like a weightlifter’s bar, although if you do happen to be caught in this position, your chances of surviving the court case drop to near zero.

Step 6: Reburial. An important but very simple step. All you need to do is reverse step 4 and refill the grave with the dirt you piled up. Remember to leave the grassy pieces until last. If you seem to have used all the soil available and the grave is still partially empty, steal little bits from different graves. That way, it looks like animals have been pissing about.

Step 7: This is a step that most people forget, so read this carefully. After reburial, run away and hide somewhere safe for a few days, and make sure you leave the body in a hidden container of some kind. If you can, find one which is hermetically sealed, the body will last longer. Even better, if your freezer is large enough, you can deposit the body in there. If you have only stolen belongings and aren’t perverted, you don’t need to hide nearly as long as the others.

There you have it, seven simple steps to rob a grave. Thank you for purchasing this pocketbook and I hope the steps above have helped you to get everything you desire. Please feel free to purchase any other pocketbooks I have written and any more that will surely follow.
WotW, imho
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
You should do a series of these next could be 7 steps to overthrowing a small African country.
I recently read a piece about how to take a shower,
this reminded me of it.

This was so much fun to write.
That right there is the most important part, as far as I'm concerned
Quote by Johnikker
You should do a series of these next could be 7 steps to overthrowing a small African country.

That's such a good idea. I don't think I could make it stretch to seven steps, but I'll give it a bash. I'll hide your username in there as acknowledgment for the idea.
This was brilliant, Mike. To be honest, there is too much here to really dig into and do any justice, so I'll simply leave some praise and comments.

I really enjoyed the tone. You captured very well the authoritative, dry, but witty voice that one finds in "Ebay for Dummies." The very to the point delivery was grand. To be honest, I could see this being found in one of those mini-books they put up by the check-out counter at book stores. The sarcasm and delivery were beautiful.

I'm glad you enjoyed writing it. It was an absolute blast reading it.
Congrats, Mike

Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
Firefighting Skills For The Everyday Man Pocketbook

Please write that next.

I had a great time reading this.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Sooooo enjoyable. You're refreshing.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist

e-married to
& alaskan_ninja