#1
Some choose the day
for the warmth
and the light
overt and open
all in plain sight

But we choose the night
when the world is asleep
to open our hearts,
shared secrets we keep

Darkness protects
the love that we share
intimate moments
with no one else there.

A room away
is as good as a mile
he can't see my words,
or witness your smile

She'll never know
the things that you said
or see all the visions
you've placed in my head.

Half a world apart,
connected by wire
two souls now shall merge
engulfed by desire

It's time for sleep
as our screens fade to dark
we'll dance in our dreams
in a spiritual park



The second movement is here: Nocturne II - Flight
Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at May 21, 2010,
#3
This is great man. I can't wait to see more lyrics from you.
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#4
To be frank, I found this to be a bit too simple.

I've always loved the way you are able to encase deeper meanings and messages inside a simple, set pattern with typically a revolving rhyme scheme. It's certainly never been a style I've envied (just look at my bullshit writing), but something I've always appreciated. However, here, I felt like that really let you down. The bounce and flow was lovely... but there was nothing deeper than a surface tension here. It was a one shot delivery, nothing to re-read for... nothing to experience if you delve deeper... and that was a bit of a put-off for me. I felt like this didn't explore enough (if you catch my drift)... it could have gone elsewhere, there was a setup and a character for something a bit stronger or you could have even just tucked the story behind something a bit less obvious. I think I'm beating a sickly horse here, because I'm pretty sure you can sense what I'm getting at.

So yes, it was a nice brisk and pleasant read... but it also didn't encapsulate anything more than the words that were there. Not like the family named DINK did in one of your previous pieces; that was a piece with some under and over tones that I could really sink into... where as this was lacking that mystique.

-Zach
#5
The abrupt end caught me off guard, and left me wondering if I'd missed something important.

Also, "Half a world apart" is, with the flow of the rest of it in your head, something to stumble over.

This piece makes me stumble.

You caught the feeling that you're describing very well though. The narrator may believe that there is some grand mystery and elusive majesty to their actions, but, as Zach so rightly pointed out, those that see it from outside see only shallow youth.
#6
The last line had a great punch to it, but my biggest problem with this piece is that I can't really see it in a bigger context. You had some interesting imagery and a consistent flow and voice but none of it resonated past "I love you my dear" to me. In other words, I agree with what Zach said. I did like it for what it was, it was a good read, but I feel you can take this into a deeper and more personal level that it is now.
#7
I like this, the structure is similar to many Strokes song i.e. simple yet meaningful. This song is about internet dating or communicating with someone over the internet?

This bit intrigues me

"
Half a world apart,
connected by wire
two souls now shall merge
engulfed by desire
"

I'm guessing it's about a person talking over a phone or skype maybe having some fun over it ?
#8
Yes, it starts as an clandestine internet chat romance, but grows beyond the confines of wires and the physical world.

Thanks Mikey. I did a minor crit on yours. Hope to see more from you.
Meadows
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#10
Hey cutie I had an extended (and glorious) picnic this afternoon, hence not getting to this til now. I understand why some people are saying it doesn’t have as many ‘layers’ as they’d like to see, but as it’s part of a series, I’ll wait til they’re all written to judge that aspect too much. Having said that, most of my comments will just be little word-choice thangs.
Some choose the day
for the warmth
and the light
overt and open
all in plain sight

But we choose the night
when the world is asleep
to open our hearts,
shared secrets we keep ’share’ makes more sense here, following the previous line, and it still sounds nice rhythmically

Darkness protects
the love that we share consider taking ‘that’ out. Doesn’t bounce as much without it I suppose – your call
intimate moments
with no one else there.

A room away
is as good as a mile
he can't see my words,
or witness your smile I like this little idea/scene, but finding a funkier way to say it would be nice. I’m not saying stray from the style you’re using. I can’t think of any suggestions, but maybe you’ve got ideas

She'll never know
the things that you said
or see all the visions
you've placed in my head.

Half a world apart,
connected by wire
two souls now shall merge I’d take out ‘now’ to improve the rhythm. Read it aloud, boisterously, to be sure, and then choose. ‘Souls shall’ sounds nice together too
engulfed by desire

It's time for sleep
as our screens fade to dark
we'll dance in our dreams
in a spiritual park Not a fan of this line really. Rhyme zone is suggesting ‘peruvian bark’ haha, but I don’t see that working too well. “Lark” might be a great word to play with here, or consider changing the ‘screens fade to dark’ bit, which I didn’t find all that strong.

I’d love to see a revision! Or if not, at least a response to everyone’s comments Glad to see that you’ve been writing. Hope this helps,
Iain.
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#11
i don't know why i avoided this thread.

so dope... i could almost smoke it.
i am the lamb.
point me to the slaughter.