#1
dead flowers hanged off a lamppost,
and the light shines red;

limp, like the taste of your vomit,
and my mouth runs red.

towards the horizon, our ships set sail,
with flailing arms gripping charms that fail, until you

weep, like the willows try not to
when their leaves fall, red.
#2
The use of 'hanged' suggests metaphor for a human hanging and the theme of lamentation runs throughout thereafter - at least that's my view after reading it a few times

I got the impression that it signifies the setting sail of a prison ship? or an emigration ship? Just due to the 'flailings charms' possibly of relatives trying to keep their families together as they sail away towards the horizon.

The only thing that stuck out was why you've used red in the last verse? Seems as though it's sort of stuck in there to conform? If it was meant to be like the red of the willow leaves it just doesn't seem to fit as well as the rest
#3
dead flowers hanged off a lamppost,
and the light shines red;
You're drawing me in hard with this. It's odd, quirky, and somewhat ambiguous.

limp, like the taste of your vomit,
and my mouth runs red.
I dunno how the fuck any taste can be "limp", much less the taste of vomit. Maybe that's why this has such impact. The suggestion of blood is here, but it almost seems it could just be an excuse to propagate the red pattern. Not as strong as it might be. But not weak, by any means.

towards the horizon, our ships set sail,
with flailing arms gripping charms that fail, until you
arms/charms is happening. The line might be a bit long, though.
I like the voice of this piece, particularly in this section.


weep, like the willows try not to
when their leaves fall, red.
The grammatical structure of the first of these two lines is clumsy. But I don't see a better way to accomplish this. Solid landing with the red theme.


I'm not sure where we went in the middle of this, and I really don't mind not knowing. It was an interesting ride.
Meadows
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#4
dead flowers hanged off a lamppost,
and the light shines red;
I like this, it lures the person in it, excelent
limp, like the taste of your vomit,
and my mouth runs red.
These lines seems like they didn't make sense at all, idk maybe its me but i think you should take that or use different wording
towards the horizon, our ships set sail,
with flailing arms gripping charms that fail, until you
Very groovy, reminds me of abunch of people, in masses, about to be exterminated, and there sending them off somewhere to do the buisness

weep, like the willows try not to
when their leaves fall, red


I dig the way you did "weeping willows" in it, and it reminds me of dont cry when there killing you, your gonna be dead soon and free

needs works but not bad

c4c?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1315376
Gonna make the mountains be my home....

"A box of rain will ease the pain and love will see you through"-Robert Hunter
Last edited by ripdime04 at May 19, 2010,