#1
c4c if you leave a link



measure the width of your
broken promises
forty meters
sewn close to the chest
folded up into
optimistic snippets

i've made you a necklace
made it from thirty pieces of silver
let it dangle around your breasts
and dance like a prophet
dance like a saint
forget about your forty meters
live life
live fully
care not for tomorrow
for tomorrow is judgment day
and you've ignored it thus far
continue to believe in a planless life
be that free-spirit
cash in my necklace gift
buy the love you've always wanted
for tomorrow is judgment day
and only the sinners die alone
#2
I didn't like the lack of any punctuation because it became a chore to read, which should only happen in extreme cases. This is also one of those pieces where it seems you've either thought too much or too little on what's going on, I'm undecided on that just now. The last half was more succinct, more emotive than the first half. You will get people who will like, nay, love the contrast, but I think for a piece this short, there should be some sort of emotional link between the two halves. Others may have a differing opinion.


I would absolutely adore a wee comment on The Grave Robber's Pocketbook because I'm pretty sure you'd enjoy it, although I'm not forcing you, seeing as I owe you and about a hundred others many crits.

Much love.
#3
Quote by ZanasCross
it was for his own good

I wasn't big on that line there.
I get that it may be an example of one of these "snippets" mentioned in the line before, but if that's the effect you were going for, you'd be better off shaking in more than one.
Personally, I think the flow is better without it, as it just jumps into the already murky flow of the piece

Quote by ZanasCross
i've made you a necklace
made it from thirty pieces of silver

This didn't need to be two lines,
it makes a little stumble that's hard to shake and doesn't really deliver a lot of powerful extra imagery by rambling
The real estate would be better off used to seperate some stanzas and keep the entire thing from being read as one long run-on idea

Quote by ZanasCross
live life
live fully

Aside from seeing this in some form or another on millions of those little bracelets they sell at hottopic, I didn't like how you kept this as two seperate sentences again, when "live life fully" would carry the same idea and weight while fitting a little more neatly into the flow

Quote by ZanasCross
cash in my necklace gift
buy the love you've always wanted

Now these lines are golden
I love the idea of them, I love the wording of them, everything

I'm not sure if it shows, but I'm in a bit of a bad mood
I've a link it the sig if you'd care to show it some love
#4

measure the width of your
broken promises
forty meters
sewn close to the chest
folded up into
optimistic snippets

i've made you a necklace
made it from thirty pieces of silver
You're setting up a basic pattern here for a shit-ton of repetitions. The repeated word falls as the second word in a line, then as the first word of the line that follows. I like it.
let it dangle around your breasts
and dance like a prophet
dance like a saint
This is almost a three. Dangle is close enough to dance. Third word, second word, first word. If you could find a similar "d" word and replace one of the dances with that, it might be even more interesting. idk.
forget about your forty meters
live life
live fully
Not sure how I feel about this one. It breaks the pattern. It does stand out boldly, though.
care not for tomorrow
for tomorrow is judgment day
This is enticing. For has a different meaning in each instance.
and you've ignored it thus far
continue to believe in a planless life
be that free-spirit
cash in my necklace gift
buy the love you've always wanted
this shit is so cash.
for tomorrow is judgment day
and only the sinners die alone



tbh, I haven't a clue what the forty meters was all about. No matter, I like it.
Gimme a read, if you haven't already.
Thanks.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#5
it was descent man.

Definatley needs work.

alot of lines had "extra to it"

ex:i've made you a necklace
made it from thirty pieces of silver

or

and dance like a prophet
dance like a saint

but def has potential bro

c4c man?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1315376
Gonna make the mountains be my home....

"A box of rain will ease the pain and love will see you through"-Robert Hunter
Last edited by ripdime04 at May 19, 2010,
#6
I struggled with the last two lines of the first stanza. For me, they really broke the rhythm, and for some reason I got hung up with all the consonance. Perhaps the fix is as simple as removing the word "up" or dropping "into" onto the final line if you like the extra syllable.

Love the imagery and the sarcastic tone of the piece. From the references to measurement, I get the sense that the narrator enjoys structure and that it causes conflict with their free-spirited lover. Not much else to add, I feel.

Links in my signature.
Last edited by denizenz at May 28, 2010,
#7
i can dig it.
best thing i've read all day.
i wouldn't change anything to it.
i am the lamb.
point me to the slaughter.