#1
Final words, still hanging...on my last breath...
I whisper to you, oh I wont struggle, I cannot escape death..
No need to panic, no need to fear
I try not to block out the voices I hear...

MY FINAL BREATH
My only wish to you my loved ones
Please don't forget me when im gone..
LET MY MEMORY LIVE ON!!!
Mourn my passing always and forever..
Oh I will never watch you from heaven, oh never oh never...

WILL I!!!! REST IN PEACE!?
WHEN I'M SIX FEET UNDER, AWAITING MY SPIRITUAL RELEASE!!
GONE!!! Is my physical being..
I can feel your sorrow from beyond the grave
Oh these are the moments I wish to save...

A CASKET!!! TO HOLD ME IN!!!
My loved ones surround me, holding tightly, sweet memories with a frown..
As Im lowered...INTO THE GROUND!!!
The priest spills his prayers among the crowd
Soothing their thoughts while being forced to conform
To the knowledge that my soul will rise and reform

And as the casket is lowered...The priest says a prayer...

Christ be with him, Christ within him.
CHRIST TO COMFORT AND RESTORE HIM!!
Christ beneath him, Christ above him.
CHRIST IN THE HEARTS OF ALL THAT LOVE HIM!!
Christ in quiet, Christ in danger
CHRIST IN MOUTH OF FRIEND AND STRANGER!!

Who saves your life from destruction...
and crowns you with mercy and loving-kindness...
The lord above, will not be saving me now...
#2
The capslock and multiple exclamation points are an affront to my eyes. I can't read this.


Lesson 1:
if you only want to be heard, . . . SHOUT !!!
if you want someone to listen, . . . whisper
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#3
yes i agree with someyouknew, way too many caps, and it almost seemed repeating, and got very boring it kinda went

im going to die-im not watching you in heaven-my spirit is released- im dead- im dead

switch it up, it gets extremely boring like that, make it more interesting, and cut back on the damn caps man

definatley needs work

c4c?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1315376
Gonna make the mountains be my home....

"A box of rain will ease the pain and love will see you through"-Robert Hunter
Last edited by ripdime04 at May 19, 2010,
#4
Hmm..well I appreciate that you're giving me constructive criticism, and not just telling me where I'm wrong. I'll work on it, thanks.