#1
You held a flower in your hands once,
held it up to me and said
"look, look Aaron."
I said I see it, it's beautiful
and as cheesily as possible,
said it was almost as beautiful as you,
and you laughed, called me a loser
and I kissed you on the forehead.
We talked about one day climbing Mt. Everest
and stared at the sky
and talked some more 'til it was dark and we couldn't see the sky
but kept staring up at the dark,
looking at little holes the stars poke through night's skin.
That flower was still in your hands.
You picked it up and ripped it apart,
and threw it on the ground.
Like dirt.

The stars cried that night,
and I with them as I fell asleep
to rain pounding my window,
begging to come in and drown me.

Like so much fucking dirt.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at May 20, 2010,
#2
You held a flower in your hands once,
held it up to me and said
"look, look Aaron."
I said I see it, it's beautiful
and as cheesily as possible,
said it was almost as beautiful as you,
and you laughed, called me a loser
and I kissed you on the forehead.
We talked about one day climbing Mt. Everest(we're serious, you know)
This is horribly disruptive. The author is speaking to "you" up til this point and occasionally refers to we. This is all well and good. The reader is a third party listening in. But the parenthetical breaks the wall. Now you're informing the reader of details and the "you" becomes the reader rather than the person you were previously speaking to. imho, this is unnecessary and does a lot of harm with no real benefit. Better to just prune it, I think.
and stared at the sky
and talked 'til it was dark and we couldn't see the sky
but kept staring up at the dark,
looking at little holes the stars poke through night's skin.
That flower was still in your hands.
You picked it up and ripped it apart,
and threw it on the ground.
Like dirt.

The stars cried that night,
and I with them as I fell asleep
to rain pounding my window,
begging to come in and drown me.

Like so much fucking dirt.


Other than what I bitched about, I enjoyed this quite well.
Meadows
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#3
I really disliked the last line in this.

I realize you were probably aiming for sudden, but frankly it came off as rude
#4
I don't like the parenthesis, nor the last line, nor the last two in the first stanza. The rest is rather enjoyable.
#5
I don't necessarily like cheesily-forehead but I understand that it wouldnt make much sense without it


the rest, my dear, is blunt and tragic.
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& alaskan_ninja

#7
"That flower was still in your hands. You picked it up and ripped it apart, and threw it on the ground." read oddly because you said the flower was in her hands, but then said she picked it up, which implies it wasn't in her hands at first. I tried reading it again with "you picked it up and ripped it apart" being the first part in a chronological sense, but that didn't work because you said she threw it on the ground, which implies it wasn't in her hands anymore.

in short, the part i quoted had some continuity issues, and i thought the last line would work better if it wasn't separated from the previous stanza. other than those two things, i really like this.