#1
Decided to edit a piece I had sitting around. Comments very much appreciated. C4C


I would be perfectly fine drinking myself to death, if only it wasn’t such a long process. I don’t have time to sit around and wait for death to slowly take me. I need a quick release from what the doctors call reality. They give me medicine in those little measuring cups. In the end, I always pour the contents out beside my bed and pour a shot in its place.

Alcohol is the only medicine that doesn’t give me a hangover.
Last edited by CaptMorgan at May 21, 2010,
#2
I think if you take out 'Do... bizarre?" it would greatly aid the piece. Start with a bang... you need to introduction. The sentences are all about the same length and could use a little variety in punctuation to help it have more of a transition. I really enjoy the last line; it's clever and coudl be accentuated by standing on its own at the end

you're developing well always nice to see your work
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#3
Thank you for the insight. I agreed with what you said, so I took out the first line and put a separation between the last line and the rest. I can feel myself growing as a writer, and I think it has a lot to do with the great feedback I've received in this forum (from you in particular). If there's any piece that needs a bump, I'd be happy to give it one if you leave a link.
#4
I have a new one called 'welcome to the manor'; should be on the first page

glad to be of help. keep writing. I'm going to take a look at some of your previous pieces as well
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja