#1
Second movement of the suite. First is found here: Nocturne I - Connection


Apart we shall sleep
but meet in our dreams
where ideas are oceans
and thoughts flow like streams

Your hand in mine
atop clouds we shall dance
we will rise above cities
as we share romance

Moon lights my path
through your eyes
to your soul
Joining as one
our two halves
make us whole

a smile
a step
a laugh
a kiss
then we race

Streaking the sky
cool breeze on our faces
we have windswept hair
and leave stardust traces

Our goal is achieved
we've outpaced the sun
and arrived at a time
where the day is not done

Gradually slowing
along as we coast
where mountains beckon
and powerfully boast

Downward we drift
toward an old fallen tree
I've been here before
now you share it with me.

A view known to gods
and spirits elite
we witness the valley
from balcony seats

Bathed in beauty
we are washed free of greed
no need to possess
we have all that we need

Embracing our earth
as we hold one another
pondering places
we shall share and discover

The sun is now fading
no time left to this day
it remains in our hearts
now we'll be on our way

A kiss and a wink
returning to flight
we rise once again
to dance in the night
#2
This is a beautiful follow up to part one.
My only complaint it this:
a smile
a step
a laugh
a kiss
then we race
This section doesn't seem to fit the rhythm to me, but maybe you have it thought out so it could work.
Good work. I can't wait for 3.
Quote by L2112Lif
I put a ton of my capital into SW Airlines... The next day, THE NEXT DAY these nutters fly into the WTC. What the hell? Apparently no one wanted to fly anymore, and I was like "What gives? God damnit Osama, let me win a fuggin' game!"
#3
"A view known to gods
and spirits elite
we witness the valley
from balcony seats"

I am not sure about this stanza, the tone didn't fit the rest of the piece very well, so it took me off guard as I read this. Like the part 1, you had a good and consistent concept but it never said more than what is already written, and that's a shame because the piece as a whole felt carefully written, but like the first part, I couldn't see this in a bigger and more thought-provoking manner. That's the only thing that is holding this back for me. But I am glad that you are posting again, and I hope to read more from you.
#4
Read both parts and I like it. I think the concept could be done a bit better personally. After finishing the reading and giving it some thought, the idea really comes together and works. But the problem to me is that I'd prefer it all come together AS I read it. Maybe I wasn't focused enough while reading.

All that having been said, it's a pretty broad critique. I may be talking out my ass but I'd say you should put a bit less deliberate thought into this piece and let it flow naturally. It's just a bit one dimensional and doesn't seem very effective.

Sorry to kind of rip on you, but as I said I do like it. I really appreciate your crit on my piece, thank you.
We're only strays.
#5
I've never really been a fan on consistent rhyming, and the ABCB scheme throughout both movements had more of a tendency to distract me rather than pull me in. It just rhymed too well. That and the short meter kept your thoughts short and made it all feel distant
#6
I really think Our goal is achieved needs to be reworded. its so stiff it hurts.

this feels like a net thats so tight you cant even see through it. it just feels kind of one dimeensional you know? the other one too. I am reading it and I am reading into it and there are some lovely thoughts and images but theres so much work to be done by the reader that it doesnt really feel like much of an experience. It's not provoking enough. There's a lot of cliches but ignoring that I think you could dig deeper into emotion and image or something. The words just dont do that much work. Reading it I don't feel like you invested all you have into this and thats what I want to see in something of this nature. I like the ideas but I dont feel captured by them
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me