#1
major additions to this one https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1308141
if you're interested

there's some crazy shape/formatting to this but i don't really know how to recreate it on here but it looks kind of like a v



Pt. 1: You're Living All Over Me: Self-Portraits of Ghosts


"We'll take ourselves out in the street and wear the blood in our cheeks
Like red roses. We'll go from car to sleeping car and whisper in their sleeping ears
We were here, we were here"
-Matt Berninger



Sometimes I would look at my reflection
and see the skull
smiling right through the skin,
but frightened, I covered it over with mud
and clay from the narrows of zion

oh what did i do,
what did i do?
Fog gone too thick to see through,
trusting where the compass points to,
another place illustrates itself over something faint
it's there and it's not just me
alone anymore...
cracks, birth, shell gone for good,
and I’m not so alone anymore.

Pt. 2: How The Plains Left Me Flat

“All I ever wanted was to be your soul
but cruel came into mind
I was afraid like a fool
rest in peace
I’ll be cool.”
-Kevin Drew


You left your image amongst others,
portraits in windows and mirrors,
ghosts in land and cityscapes,
I know they're there.
Denver and Rocky Mountain National Park
Cleveland and farmland
forests and highways, bright nights and all days,
lost and found on the interstate.
There's dirt that car washes can’t clean away,
there's music and laughter and a person as a place,
I know they’re there every time I look out-
with plains blending into trees,
trees blending into hills, into skies-
even though all I see is my face


Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at May 21, 2010,
#2
dinosaur jr, the national, flotation toy warning, and broken social scene references all in one? impressed with your musical taste my friend.


as for the piece,
everything you write now seems to be solid. though i still prefer your older writings, at least the sentiment of them, everything new is incredible in its own way.
#3
thank you I appreciate those thoughts. I'm pretty sure I have you to thank for flotation toy warning too. I love that album.

And I also think I've got something nice in store for you in the next one and last piece of this car series.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#4
Quote by jiminizzle
major additions to this one https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1308141
if you're interested

there's some crazy shape/formatting to this but i don't really know how to recreate it on here but it looks kind of like a v



Pt. 1: You're Living All Over Me: Self-Portraits of Ghosts


"We'll take ourselves out in the street and wear the blood in our cheeks
Like red roses. We'll go from car to sleeping car and whisper in their sleeping ears
We were here, we were here"
-Matt Berninger



Sometimes I would look at my reflection
The word "sometimes" is used far too often at the beginning of poems imo. Surely you can find a more original phrasing.
and see the skull
smiling right through the skin,
but frightened, I covered it over with mud
I felt like "but frightened" merited its own line. In my mind the flow worked better with this separated into two lines anyways.
and clay from the narrows of zion
"narrows of zion" seems out of place
Tenses in this stanza are frustratingly ambiguous.
oh what did i do,
what did i do?
Fog gone too thick to see through,
trusting where the compass points to, repeated "to" sound is a little offputting. Please replace one. The format here is striking when I look at it in the posting window.
another place illustrates itself over something faint
it's there and it's not just me
alone anymore... ergh ellipse.
cracks, birth, shell gone for good,
and I’m not so alone anymore.
The last bit of this wasn't as striking and well-put-together as the first 5 lines of the stanza. I'm not quite sure why
Pt. 2: How The Plains Left Me Flat

“All I ever wanted was to be your soul
but cruel came into mind
I was afraid like a fool
rest in peace
I’ll be cool.”
-Kevin Drew
These quotes are great.

You left your image amongst others,
portraits in windows and mirrors,
ghosts in land and cityscapes, land is singular and sticks out because of this.
I know they're there. I felt like you needed a "but" in the previous line to make this one work.
Denver and Rocky Mountain National Park
Cleveland and farmland
forests and highways, bright nights and all days,
lost and found on the interstate.
There's dirt that car washes can’t clean away,
there's music and laughter and a person as a place,
I know they’re there every time I look out- "look out" is awkward phrasing
with plains blending into trees,
trees blending into hills, into skies-
even though all I see is my face




Even though this sacrificed some meaning for me in the last stanza, I didn't mean in the slightest because the rhyming was lovely. Clean it up and it will be even better.