#1
i am starving and you are quiet

we sit with hands folded and shoes shined
your hair is parted and sleek
my curls are perfect ringlets

you set walls on fire with your eyes
steams rises in the spaces between your nails and skin

my chair has started rotting
my dress is turning blue and dripping onto the floor


i am quiet and you are starving
we take our soup spoons and salad forks and eat.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#2
I like this. Some of the images are a bit surrealistic or at least that's how they seem to me. Its interesting, I like that, I always admire your imagery, it's intriguing and I usually look forward to it. The only thing I didn't totally like in this was the last line. Maybe its because of the two "and"s kind of breaking the flow or something. I also don't know if it was necessary to specify the spoon and fork types, they sort of add words that are not really essential to the piece, i think. The idea was nice. Isn't there a word in english for spoons, forks, etc? I can't remember atm, I know we have one in spanish, I would use that instead, but yeah, I'm not sure if that would work in an english piece. Still, I enjoyed. Sweet and short poem.

Sorry for rambling, hehe.

:]
#3
i also got a surrealistic feel from a lot of the imagery, the chair and dress brought some of dali's paintings to mind (i know essentially nothing about painting though). your imagery is always great.

"steams rises in the spaces between your nails and skin" is one of the most unsettling things i've ever read. the whole piece has this steady unsettling effect to it, but that image sort of broke way ahead of the rest. i don't think it's a bad thing at all and in fact i really like it, but it almost makes the images after it less effective in creating the overall feel of the piece.

this is really nice in its simple phrasing, but i also thought that made the last line feel a little too long, like cubs pointed out. the words "soup" and "salad" themselves were fine to me, they just stretched things out too much.
#4
I liked this but I thought the ending was too specific if you feel what I'm sayin
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#5
When I first read this I was really disappointed. I didn't get the powerful and emotional descriptions of the characters that I'm used to from your writing. However, after I read some of the comments, I went back and looked at it from a surrealist's point of view. When read like that, this piece seems like it should be a scene in a movie, a la Un Chien Andalou. This piece was different, but I loved it and it really showed another side of your writing ability.
#6
i guess i didn't get as much from this as others did. it just seems overly simplistic and scattered in thought. the whole didn't amount to more than the sum of its parts, for me.

there are two very powerful lines in the middle.
and a role reversal at the end, but i'm not sure why.
apparently the dots are too far apart for me to connect.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#7
The piece is pretty simple and very visual; I feel like maybe I should have made a painting of it rather than a poem. For any clarifications, it portrays an unhappy relationship that must be masked, problems stifled to go on with life.

The first 'I am starving and you are quiet' implies the dissatisfaction of the narrator and the inability of the second character to communicate. The second stanza is to show the very proper demeanor displayed by the two. The third stanza shows the bottled rage of the second character, suppressed by the original quiet but still managing to seep through his body. The fourth, breakdown and sorrow of the narrator, finding it very difficult to mask her feelings as outside objects begin to change while she attempts to hide her own body language. The role reversal in the last stanza shows the general unhappiness of the two, and also is a response to the earlier stanzas - the narrator is trying to show calmness and normality in the face of the displays, and the second character has shown that he is voracious and aching, a change from the original quiet. The last line just serves to show the normal actions the people must partake in, along with reinforcing the 'proper' demeanor, which I see I have done clumsily


poems shouldnt need explanations, so my execution of this was unsuccessful. what I wrote above was what I was going for
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#8
I like this style. I like how you imply so much with just the simple and sparse language. I found the piece to be very thought-provoking. It made me wonder exactly what is 'going on' and imagine scenarios. Which is a good thing, I think, because the piece then persists long after the reader has finished.

I particularly like the feelings that you bring up via your use of language. The fact that there aren't any words longer than two syllables gives that sparse, empty feeling, which fits wonderfully. The simplicity of the language is also refreshing in a way.

My one 'problem': "my chair has started rotting" seems sort of 'tossed in there', as if you needed another line, or couldn't quite figure out how to say something. I am not sure if it belongs.

That is merely a small thing, though. The piece as a whole is wonderful. I am thinking hard about it still and 'picturing the scene'.
kill all humans
#10
Quote by vintage x metal
poems shouldnt need explanations, so my execution of this was unsuccessful. what I wrote above was what I was going for
Indeed they shouldn't. I wouldn't necessarily call it unsuccessful. I don't believe it possible to put that much depth of metaphor in a piece this short. What you end up with, is what you have here. A strange silhouette. Almost as if the shadows were cast by two light sources.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.