#1
Under the Veil

She walked away, walked away
on her wedding day, an ugly display
Fear holds her tight, frozen and pale,
She hides her tears, but to no avail.

Ooooh ooooh

Under the veil he sees she's distraught
Why is she hiding her abstract thoughts
What did he do to lead her astray
This may well be his very last day

Ooooh ooooh

-solo riff-

Now that she's gone he sees no more life
I'll never look back, he called to his wife
He struck at his heart, eyes luke warm
His love came back, pregnant and torn
#3
Last line second verse reads awkward to me "This may well be his very last day"
maybe "This may well be his last day" would sound better? Hard to tell without actually hearing it though. I think its because the second to last and last line have a different syllable count even though there are the same number of words. Even though my suggestion is shorter it is an even number of syllables which to me flows better, but like I said it really depends on the music, if it sounds good singing it then disregard this.
Last edited by Johnikker at May 22, 2010,
#4
Quote by Johnikker
Last line second verse reads awkward to me "This may well be his very last day"
maybe "This may well be his last day" would sound better? Hard to tell without actually hearing it though. I think its because the second to last and last line have a different syllable count even though there are the same number of words. Even though my suggestion is shorter it is an even number of syllables which to me flows better, but like I said it really depends on the music, if it sounds good singing it then disregard this.


Ill try it both ways. Thanks.
#5
Quote by Nirvanyaya
Could I get any feedback please? :/
There's nothing wrong with bumping a thread when you have a valid reason, but to ask for criticism an hour after posting is not the way this forum works.

I don't know if you already are, but comment on other people's pieces and kindly ask them to return the favour, linking your thread to your post.

Good read, btw.