#1
on the spot.

you had braces and flowers in your hair when we first met
that same day i told you you were so beautiful that it hurt
when the sky fell you said it was time i visited australia
i told you someday i would move there instead and that
the sun would wake us in the morning by shinning on our eye lids
we would walk on the boardwalk until the sun abandoned us
i would get used to the sand and you would get used to my accent
we would be one, in sync and for the first time we would understand the world
but then you started kissing girls and i started sleeping in, sleeping in, sleeping in.
Last edited by Dylan_ at May 23, 2010,
#2
the first two lines present some good imagery but i'm not sure you need them, and they make the third line seem too sudden.

the sentence structures of the first three lines feels really repetitive, but i think this would also be fixed by taking out the first two lines.

"someday" is inserted sort of awkwardly in the fourth line. it might read better if placed before "i would move there instead".

i really like the use of the sleeping patterns to represent the relationship (or the expectation of the relationship), and the brevity of this works really well toward that idea. "i would get used to the sand and you would get used to my accent" was also just a great line.
#3
This is very good, especially for an ots piece. I tend to really like things like this, where they're deeply honest and real. I don't like the repetition of "sleeping in" at the end, I think just saying it once would suffice. Other than that, though, I really like it.
kill all humans
#4
This is very nice. Wasn't keen on the first line but the way this unfurls makes for a pleasant read. Personally I like the repetition at the end
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