#1
it's not me that tapped on your window
3 a.m michigan spreads out silently from
across the great lakes, iced over
glistening and undulating in moon shine.
the kitchen at midnight is quieter without you
but there's so much less splendor
when the blizzard is lit by city lights
and every lime is gone in empty brown bottles.
it's almost a thousand paces to canada
and to the mailbox and
back again where decisions make perfect
places and feelings, and the space between
stars and false starts feels claustrophobic.
the great lakes at 3 a.m are
quieter without you; i'm looking forward
to next year, being bayside with empty brown bottles
poised against rocks and wet handfuls of sand
every window cradles your face,
you look calm and collected, fooled and
thoughtless; the distance fools me, but
would it look different from above the san fransico bay?
the west coast is a billion paces from here
the car isn't far out in the driveway
in the wake of this town. we can ride the waves
to portland and back again -
it's not me that left first.
Last edited by hippieboy444 at May 24, 2010,
#2
i have to say that this is one of the best things i've ever read from you. so good.
here, My Dear, here it is
#3
This flows in and out of itself, speaks animatedly with confidence and with a certain bravado that is very enjoyable.

It's the kind of thing that needs an overly descriptive description like that to describe it properly. Take that how you will.

Very nice.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
Love it. The language is beautiful, the imagery is vivid, the emotion is perfect.

I would suggest reconsidering the whole bit with the [brackets] though. They seem unnecessary and slightly pretentious. Also, there's lots of semicolons. Do you really need so many semicolons?

"Undulating" is one of my favorite words. I love that you used it. Just throwing that out there
kill all humans
#5
Thanks guys.
Leave links if you have any specific pieces you want crits on.
@alaskan_ninja i thought maybe i was using too much punctuation i'll try taking some out.
#6
Just get the next thing I post if you happen to see it.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#7
distances and expectations are always so much more vivid between midnight and dawn. you portrayed that so well, this is easily my favorite thing i've read from you. the only thing that bothered me was "fooled" and "fools" so close to each other.
#8
I'm with everyone else; this is a favorite. There's a maturity as a writer that you show
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#9
I like your writing! I think re: punctuation, its hard to hear a melody with this. I suggest you work with your phrasing. You have some good internal/external rhymes and slant rhymes (paces, places, space, face, wave) and alliterations and near alliterations (rocks, wet, window).
Its a bit of a ramble though, so you might separate into stanzas? I don't know.

You might also look at your line "3 am michigan spreads out silently", then at the line "the great lakes at 3am". Those could work better with a little tweak. Do the great lakes spread out silently too? Or have a different feel to them? You could structure your lines to not necessarily repeat each other, but maybe relate a bit more in meter (not necessarily in rhyme. This is just off the top of my head.