#1
at the horizon, the world bends
a landscape collapsing gradually
over oceans and seas and mountains
until it wraps back around again
if i could walk that distance
would i be unchanged?

what is there to know beyond the ocean
how many things i would see
that would create a different me
will he exist?

expose everything i couldn't know
leave my innocence bleeding to go get help
i'll become myself, somewhere else
i can't stay here

everything is polarizing
there's who i want to be, here's all that's in between
will he exist?
will i ever make my exit?

expose everything i couldn't know
leave my insecurity bleeding to go get help
i want to meet him
myself somewhere else
myself somewhere else
We're only strays.
Last edited by Martyr's Prayer at May 24, 2010,
#2
I like it!, it's like deep and stuff, better than anything I've tried to write...
#3
will he exist?
I dislike that line. Imho, the doubt undermines the premise that we are the sum of our experiences. "Who will he be?" Would ring out true to the rest of the piece.
will i ever make my exit?
This one is almost as bad. It makes it seem as though your existence now is something to be shed, rather than to be built upon.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#4
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
will he exist?
I dislike that line. Imho, the doubt undermines the premise that we are the sum of our experiences. "Who will he be?" Would ring out true to the rest of the piece.
will i ever make my exit?
This one is almost as bad. It makes it seem as though your existence now is something to be shed, rather than to be built upon.


I understand. I need a bit more convincing I think, just because as I wrote it it's pretty much drawing the conclusion that so far, I haven't become anything. "Will I ever make my exit?" is asking the question "will I ever change?"

So it's pretty much all saying I haven't done much of anything and the only way to change that is to go. I think I am being a bit defensive here, but like I said I'm leaning towards keeping those lines the way they are. I guess the important question is which version will be more accessible to a wider audience?
We're only strays.
#5
Quote by Martyr's Prayer
I think I am being a bit defensive here,
Of course you are. Our works are our creations. Almost as if they are our children or smth. We see them differently than others do. We know what the words are meant to imply.


Maybe we're looking at the wrong lines. If you want to maintain the sense of doubt and uncertainty, perhaps soften the last line of the first stanza. Don't allow it to imply the premise that we must be changed by our experiences. At least not as strongly.
who would i turn into?

would I be unchanged?
or
would I still be me?
or something similar. to my way of thinking, it's better to introduce the doubt early, rather than have a more certain implication and un-do it at the next turn.

links in sig. gimme a read, if you haven't already.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#6
I like that idea, edited it in. It definitely works better that way.

And yeah it can be tough to change things lol. The real skill is to translate what it means to you into terms someone else can relate to. That sounds like an obvious statement but it really isn't after you've actually tried it. It's funny though that in light of that, the most effective translations just come out of nowhere without thought. The best stuff I've written almost feels like someone else wrote it heh.
We're only strays.