#1
ok i posted this last time and i made a mistake at posting it so im sry about that and now im reposting again I read the rules now

and pls do leave comments on how i can improve.

Chorus
This is what you've done
made a fool of everyone
Hope you had fun, cause my love for you is gone
Which path did you take?
Still making the same mistake?
Do what you want, you'll be the one to pay the price

Verse 1
you make me feel dead everytime im with you
like im just something for you to do
your love was never true
its real love you never knew
Lying selfishly feels good doesn't it?
Don't you have conscience or even guilt?
your love was never true
its real love you never knew

Pre-Chorus
your love was never true
its real love you never knew

Chorus
This is what you've done
made a fool of everyone
Hope you had fun, cause my love for you is gone
Which path did you take?
Still making the same mistake?
Do what you want, you'll be the one to pay the price

Verse 2
Just for your own pleasure anyone would do
just like toys, nothing of importance
victim of your stupid plans
this is the end, our final dance

Pre-Chorus
your love was never true
its real love you never knew

Chorus
This is what you've done
made a fool of everyone
Hope you had fun, cause my love for you is gone
Which path did you take?
Still making the same mistake?
Do what you want, you'll be the one to pay the price

Bridge
you make me feel dead everytime im with you
like im just something for you to do
your love was never true
its real love you never knew
Lying selfishly feels good doesn't it?
Don't you have conscience or even guilt?
your love was never true
its real love you never knew

Chorus
This is what you've done
made a fool of everyone
Hope you had fun, cause my love for you is gone
Which path did you take?
Still making the same mistake?
Do what you want, you'll be the one to pay the price
#2
Chorus
This is what you've done
This sounds preachy, right from the gate.
made a fool of everyone
hmmmm. not seeing it in the context that follows. maybe made a fool of you, but not so much "everyone"
Hope you had fun, cause my love for you is gone
Sarcasm weakens the listener/reader's impression of the narrator at this point.
Which path did you take?
Still making the same mistake?
These lines seem to be just about making a rhyme.
I can't see differing paths or what the "mistake" is, in the rest of the song.

Do what you want, you'll be the one to pay the price
More preaching.

Verse 1
you make me feel dead everytime im with you
feelings die when I'm at your side
might be a smoother way to say this
but I have to wonder whether it's worth saying at all.
why would this person continue to be with someone who makes them feel dead?
someone who is betraying them.

like im just something for you to do
your love was never true
its real love you never knew
simple and direct, but it casts worse shadows on the narrator than on the subject.
He recognizes this, but is still there.

Lying selfishly feels good doesn't it?
Sarcasm again?
Don't you have conscience or even guilt?
Disbelief plays out poorly. And we don't even get a solid rhyme out of it.
your love was never true
its real love you never knew

Pre-Chorus
your love was never true
its real love you never knew

Chorus
This is what you've done
made a fool of everyone
Hope you had fun, cause my love for you is gone
Which path did you take?
Still making the same mistake?
Do what you want, you'll be the one to pay the price

Verse 2
Just for your own pleasure anyone would do
just like toys, nothing of importance
victim of your stupid plans
this is the end, our final dance

Pre-Chorus
your love was never true
its real love you never knew

Chorus
This is what you've done
made a fool of everyone
Hope you had fun, cause my love for you is gone
Which path did you take?
Still making the same mistake?
Do what you want, you'll be the one to pay the price

Bridge
you make me feel dead everytime im with you
like im just something for you to do
your love was never true
its real love you never knew
Lying selfishly feels good doesn't it?
Don't you have conscience or even guilt?
your love was never true
its real love you never knew

Chorus
This is what you've done
made a fool of everyone
Hope you had fun, cause my love for you is gone
Which path did you take?
Still making the same mistake?
Do what you want, you'll be the one to pay the price


This song was written for an audience of one - the narrator. The subject won't be interested. As for the rest of us, there are no vividly painted images or metaphors or cleverly turned phrases to draw us in. No display of beauty in this embodiment of evil so we can empathize with you being lured in to where you are. Why should we care to listen? If you wanna rip on someone, maybe tell a story and reveal the bad stuff as it unfolds?

links in sig.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#3
1st : did you even get the idea of the song?
2nd : did you know that this song is actually for a ***** so its actually "EVERYONE"
3rd : did you even read the whole song first before commenting on each line?
well anyway thx for reading.
#5
Quote by hm92
1st : did you even get the idea of the song?
2nd : did you know that this song is actually for a ***** so its actually "EVERYONE"
3rd : did you even read the whole song first before commenting on each line?
well anyway thx for reading.
1 - yeah, it's painfully obvious.

2 - "for a *****"? What's that? a bitch? A wh0re? How does "everyone" come into play here? Are you saving the world from her and her kind or smth? Looks more like just butthurt whining. A rickety skeleton of generalized accusations with no meat on the dryed-out flavourless bones.

3 - Twice.

You're welcome.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#6
This how you write a revenge song that people will care to listen to.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atBg9zLI2bA
EditL: This song sounds like a bad country or bad Bullets for Valentine song. Listen, when you write even if it for yourself be creative about and judge if its worth working any futher with.
"Music became a healer for me. And I learned to listen with all my being. I found that it could wipe away all the emotions of fear and confusion relating to my family." Eric Clapton
Last edited by Blackwaterson89 at May 25, 2010,
#7
"This is what you've done / made a fool of everyone."

Possibly ripped off from Jet's "Look What You've Done" which was a ripoff of the Beatles' "Sexy Sadie" using the lines "Look what you've done, you've made a fool of everyone."


So this would be like a double ripoff.
#8
Quote by jltc008
"This is what you've done / made a fool of everyone."

Possibly ripped off from Jet's "Look What You've Done" which was a ripoff of the Beatles' "Sexy Sadie" using the lines "Look what you've done, you've made a fool of everyone."


So this would be like a double ripoff.


oh man i was thinking exactly the same thing haha...
sorry man but this had very little going for it.
It was both preachy and obvious, two of the worst crimes a song can commit IMO.
#10
well i checked the lyrics yeah its kinda the same but i promise u i didnt copy shit.