#1
In the night
I decided
While sitting on my couch
I'm no longer interested
In impressing you with big words

And I want you to know
That I've thrown my hand in for good

I've thrown it in for good
And nothing can ever make me be the way I was
I've thrown it in for good
And don't say a word about who I was

In the morning
I might decide to perk your ears up
With an ostentatious word
But for now
But for now
But for now
I'm not interested
In impressing you with big words

And I want you to know
That I've thrown my hand in for good

I've thrown it in for good
And nothing can ever make me be the way I was
I've thrown it in for good
And don't say a word about who I was
#2
I like this - it's to the point! And it's got that kind of, I don't care, attitude that I love in lyrics. One thing though, I don't think it's good to use 'ostentatious' in there. I get that it's kind of like, "right now im not going to use big words to impress you but i guess i will again in the morning", but saying 'i will not use big words to impress you' and then trowing ostentatious in there kind of totally conflicts, and not in an arty clever way. just my opinion like, but i think it might be better with a bit more simplicity there. otherwise, quite like (:
#3
Quote by kitchengenie
I like this - it's to the point! And it's got that kind of, I don't care, attitude that I love in lyrics. One thing though, I don't think it's good to use 'ostentatious' in there. I get that it's kind of like, "right now im not going to use big words to impress you but i guess i will again in the morning", but saying 'i will not use big words to impress you' and then trowing ostentatious in there kind of totally conflicts, and not in an arty clever way. just my opinion like, but i think it might be better with a bit more simplicity there. otherwise, quite like (:


Thank you. It's about a guy who doesn't really know what he wants out of life, or himself, so that contradiction was there for a purpose. If you've got one you'd like me to crit, let me know.
#4
I thought this piece was well executed for what you were trying to do. My only problems with this are, as kitchengenie already said, that I didn't like the use of ostentatious and I felt the intro was very weak. I understand why you would want that contradiction there, but it just didn't feel right to me. As far as the beginning, it is mainly just the order and word choice you used that I felt slowed everything down. Overall I thought this was a very good piece.
#5
repetition is the death of this. you present a couple of cute ideas and bring down any enjoyment of them by repeating yourself endlessly. there's no captivating images or clever phrases to cling to and it just leaves me with repeated mantras that don't move me.
#6
Quote by NGD1313
repetition is the death of this. you present a couple of cute ideas and bring down any enjoyment of them by repeating yourself endlessly. there's no captivating images or clever phrases to cling to and it just leaves me with repeated mantras that don't move me.


In my defense, this is meant to be a song, rather than prose. However, I'm realizing more and more how empty it is. I loved the concept initially, but after the fact, I'm thinking it wasn't executed well.
#7
Ostentatiaous seems very out of place. It doesn't match up to the language of the rest of the piece. Also, I think the piece could use a coat of polish. You get your point across, but it's still very meh. I just don't feel a c onnection with the narrator. Anyways, thanks for the crit. I appreciate it.
#8
Quote by themarsvolta
Ostentatiaous seems very out of place. It doesn't match up to the language of the rest of the piece. Also, I think the piece could use a coat of polish. You get your point across, but it's still very meh. I just don't feel a c onnection with the narrator. Anyways, thanks for the crit. I appreciate it.


That word being out of place is entirely intentional.

The more I'm reading this again, the less I'm liking it. I think I might do a full reboot.
#9
I liked it dude, good job, to the point, and it has meaning to it that people can relate too.
Alexis Divine

If my heart is stone then you're Medusa
#10
interesting.

i'm not so into the lyrical repetition.
but... it's far from bad.

b+

(if i was even qualified to judge anything)
i am the lamb.
point me to the slaughter.
#11
I think this is great. And I personally don't think "ostentatious" is out of place. I think it fits in perfectly with the theme of the person not knowing what they want and I think contradicting himself just proves it.

I also think the repetition is perfect here, it really adds effect.
I really like this. It's not meaningless or empty at all and I can actually relate to it. I love how "to the point" it is.

I would love to hear this with music now.


Amazing work, keep it up!
xx