#1
Hey guys, this is my first real "complete" piece. I'm not very confident with my lyrics and/or singing ability, so this is kinda outside my comfort zone. It's mainly based around a car accident one of my friends was involved in. Please note I have written instrumental bits for this too, which might explain the structure of the bridge section. So yeah, enjoy.


{Verse}
Drive Home, Dark Road
Radio, Talk Show
Getting Tired, Won't be long
Then Again You Might Be Wrong

{Chorus}
I can't see anything, it's dark in front of me
Blur of red lights and it's gone, no turning back
Pull me away, pull me away
I dont want to die, don't let me die

Running away down the hill into the trees
Nothing to see, nothing for me left out there
Save me from the things all these people have done to me
Don't let me die, don't let me crash

{Verse}
Alchohol, driving
Deadly mix, no fix
Wet road, tight bend
For you mate this is the end

{Chorus}
I can't see anything, it's dark in front of me
Blur of red lights and it's gone, no turning back
Pull me away, pull me away
I dont want to die, don't let me die

Running away down the hill into the trees
Nothing to see, nothing for me left out there
Save me from the things all these people have done to me
Don't let me die, don't let me crash

{Bridge}
I dont want to die, don't let me die, I don't want to
I dont want to die, don't let me die, I don't want to
I dont want to crash, don't let me crash, I don't want to
I want to survive, let me survive, I don't want to

{Solo}

I can't see anything, it's dark in front of me
Blur of red lights and it's gone, no turning back
Pull me away, pull me away
I dont want to die, don't let me die

Running away down the hill into the trees
Nothing to see, nothing for me left out there
Save me from the things all these people have done to me
Don't let me die, don't let me crash

{Outro}
I dont want to die, don't let me crash, I don't want to
I dont want to die, don't let me crash, I don't want to

I dont want to die
I'M ALREADY GONE

Thanks for reading
#2
Thanks for reading my poem. Comments in red are just some of my thoughts, and should be taken as constructive criticism. It's good that you are willing to step outside of your comfort zone, and, as long as you afford others their opinions and take their advice in stride, it will serve you well.

If this is your first post on this forum, welcome.

Quote by Dan_5893
Hey guys, this is my first real "complete" piece. I'm not very confident with my lyrics and/or singing ability, so this is kinda outside my comfort zone. It's mainly based around a car accident one of my friends was involved in. Please note I have written instrumental bits for this too, which might explain the structure of the bridge section. So yeah, enjoy.


{Verse}
Drive Home, Dark Road
Radio, Talk Show
Getting Tired, Won't be long
Then Again You Might Be Wrong
Thought this first verse was great except the last couplet is extremely forced. In fact, the entire last line is very cliche`.

{Chorus}
I can't see anything, it's dark in front of me
Blur of red lights and it's gone, no turning back
Pull me away, pull me away
I dont want to die, don't let me die

Running away down the hill into the trees
Nothing to see, nothing for me left out there
Save me from the things all these people have done to me
Don't let me die, don't let me crash
I have no complaints about the first stanza, but the second is boring. The imagery is plain and I'm not thrilled about the word selection. For starts, the word "me" appears five times in a section that's already fraught with repetition.

{Verse}
Alchohol, driving
Deadly mix, no fix
Wet road, tight bend
For you mate this is the end
Again, simple imagery and kinda boring and transparent word choices. I like the (somewhat) abstract symbolism in the first verse and the line "blur of red lights and its gone" in the chorus. Things like this allow the reader to use their imagination and therefore become invested in the piece. The predictability in this verse makes it dry.

{Bridge}
I dont want to die, don't let me die, I don't want to
I dont want to die, don't let me die, I don't want to
I dont want to crash, don't let me crash, I don't want to
I want to survive, let me survive, I don't want to
I've never been a fan of repeating lines in lyrics or poetry, but, in my opinion, this is just gratuitous. We get it already, and few people actually want to die anyway...

I dont want to die
I'M ALREADY GONE
I like that you're attempting to resolve the piece, but this is extremely anticlimactic.
#3
i liked it.

i'm not really into giving constructive criticism.
honestly i wouldn't change anything.
i am the lamb.
point me to the slaughter.