denizenz
A man among gods.
Join date: Aug 2006
620 IQ
#1
in the silence of night
it was early June
as we said goodbye
i touched your face
so pristine
in the pale moonlight
and your grace
made me feel
that you’re too perfect to be mine
i’m sorry
i don’t remember what we said
just your silhouette
against a bed of stars
and life will never be as pretty
as it was just then
just before the world turned red
in the taillight of your car
but even if
the emerald in your eyes
no longer shines
i’ll see you as you were
not as you are
you’ll always be that moonlit girl to me
as if the clock had stopped at four
Dan_5893
Interdit
Join date: Dec 2009
1,405 IQ
#2
Quote by denizenz
in the silence of night
it was early June
as we said goodbye
i touched your face
so pristine
in the pale moonlight
and your grace
made me feel
that you’re too perfect to be mine
i’m sorry
i don’t remember what we said
just your silhouette
against a bed of stars
and life will never be as pretty
as it was just then
just before the world turned red
in the taillight of your car
but even if
the emerald in your eyes
no longer shines
i’ll see you as you were
not as you are
you’ll always be that moonlit girl to me
as if the clock had stopped at four


I like the imagery in this piece. Very well placed metaphors, and very rich description. I like how you avoided using "diamond in your eyes" or "star in your eyes" - both rather cliche, and instead used emerald - does this person have green eyes? This is one of several lines that may allow more in depth readings of the piece.

The sad overtones of this piece create an overwhelming sense of empathy - I don't know if this is true or not, but it certainly could be, and I can relate to the piece just because of the fact it is so "realistically authentic" with the emotions and description.

Just a minor grammatical note - Capitalise the I's and You's. Otherwise this is good.


Nice piece mate, enjoyed reading it, and enjoyed the thoughts it provoked.
CaptMorgan
Dragging ass through life
Join date: Jan 2010
252 IQ
#4
I started reading, and after the first line I couldn't have stopped if I had wanted to. Nothing about this was overly complicated, yet I was deeply moved by everything you said. I seriously don't think there is anyway to improve this. Looking forward to you're next piece.
cut.cord.coeur
violator
Join date: May 2010
54 IQ
#5
This is simply beautiful.
You really know how to describe the situation very vividly.
What moved me the most was the part with "your silhouette against a bed of stars".
"Taillight of your car" is also wonderful.
The atmosphere you create is something I can really good relate to.
Keep up the great work.