#1
this is a love song i wrote for my girl


tell me what you think, critique it, whatever... it's not done

thanks


stay

time has come, time has passed
our visitations go too fast
i could be in a crowded room
and still be alone with you

can't imagine you walking away
although i really hate to sound cliche
the sun comes out, on a rainy day
like when you smile my problems fade

stay, for all those times you saved my head
stay, we talked for hours on the phone in bed
stay, when the morning comes, baby i will dread
leaving me, you should stay instead

stay, you changed my heart, changed my mind
stay, our time apart has been unkind
stay, when the morning comes, baby i will find
leaving me, you should stay instead

casey, you're beautiful
and i wish that we could be in love
that normal things wouldn't seem so hard
and that
#2
i could be in a crowded room
and still be alone with you

Those lines are good. Bin the rest. All of them. Seriously.

Unless this is written specifically for an audience of two (you and the girl) you're probably better off to not name the girl. That allows others to associate their situation with yours.

Instead of praising her for how you feel about her (trust me. this is dead-boring, from the outside looking in), paint little scenes. Use simile and metaphor. Toss some colour into the mix. If she smiles like a pudgy bunny, say so. Seriously, that created a wisp of an image you wanna hear more about, didn't it?

We don't wanna hear that she "saved your head". But if the world set your mind ablaze and she rained down on you like a cool summer rain, that might be worth listening to. Does that help?


links in sig. gimme a read, if you haven't already.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.