#1
The less you talk, the more I want to listen
Dismiss it, and then move on
But maybe it's not that easy
to please me, cause now you're gone
It could've been a little bit better
The endeavor, less withdrawn
Days pass by and I cannot deny it
Though I try it, from dusk till dawn

Livin with the vision of the heart incision
I've been wishin didn't happen, but it did anyway
Lookin through the book at all the bad roads that I took
And I hope that someday I can turn the page

(EDIT)
The day you left I didn't even worry
Why hurry, to start to grieve
"She'll be back" is what I told myself
A cry for help, ill-conceived
Now that I look back I couldn't have been so blind
So entwined, so naive
The tide rolls in as I draw pictures in the sand
I understand, why you would leave


CHORUS

BRIDGE
Everyday I hope I choke on the antidote
That caused me so much pain
Strive to be alive, but inside
I can't hide the fact that I just can't refrain
X2

It's a work in progress folks, so be gentle
Last edited by I Have no Soul at May 26, 2010,
#2
I started a comment here then stupidly exited all my windows...

I like it, it is similar to a work in progress I am doing too. I think your ideas are interesting but you are trying too hard with your rhyme. You can say wishing and living and it will still rhyme when it is sung. You might work on what is going on with "heart incision". I was reading that and feeling like I would write it

...incision
on my heart

So there is a little stop after both incision and heart to give a little more presence to those words... but that is if it were my lyric. You can use it if you wish, or not.

It is obvious that you have written this for a song. Do you have a melody or chord progression yet? I have not got enough of my lyrics set to really develop a chord progression (or maybe I need to do the chords to get my lyrics?)
#3
Maybe also, from my previous comment, do the same with

But maybe it's not that easy
to please me.

Because now
you're gone

Play around with it and see if that works for you. Otherwise, I think you have plenty of soul despite your handle.
#4
I actually have written chords to it, and the first stanza is a verse and the other part is the chorus. I've put in all the rhyming cause it's gonna be kind of a "rap" for lack of a better word. That's why heart incision is in there.
#5
I think the rhyming works pretty well for most of it and doesn't sound too forced. It also flows very well which is an essential if your doing it as a rap style song. I like the strong narrative aspect as well.
This is my favourite line
"Lookin through the book at all the bad roads that I took
And I hope that someday I can turn the page"
Quote by Next Hendrix
Walk in on your wife with another man.
Kill them both.
Go to prison in Louisiana.
Have conversation with the Devil.
Instant harmonica asskickery.