#1
I've never had much luck with writing about politics or society, but I was bored last Saturday, and started this.

C4C.

Edit: Forget to include WIP in the title, but this isn't done yet.

I come to you with a story,
stained with blood and tears.
I bring to you a legend,
crucified with fear.


I come to you with a story,
stained with blood and tears.
I bring to you a legend,
crucified with fear.

The details may be gory,
look away if you must.
But please keep your ears open,
this is the world as it rusts.

Thousands a day are starving,
the children just can't eat.
While on the same damn planet,
we die of obesity.

I come to you with a story,
of selfishness and greed;
we gorge ourselves til bursting,
while there's still mouths to feed.

Countless a day are dying,
of curable disease;
instead of ****ing helping,
we arm ourselves to the teeth.

I bring to you a story,
of a war we'll never win.
Pride is one of our many,
countless, pathetic sins.

I find this hard to tell you,
it pains me to tell;
but I pray there is no god,
or we're all going to hell.
Last edited by herby190 at May 25, 2010,
#2
I thought that was really good
I like how you explained things, and it really is true.
#3
To be frank, I'd probably stick to writing about other things. This comes across as extremely hamhanded and contrived, and you're not a bad writer, I read some of your other stuff. You've got some really clever ideas in your other work. But here, there's nothing clever, no imagery, blindly accusatory to the point of inducing laughter, forced rhyme and rhythm, and simpler in content than a nursery rhyme. I'm definitely not meaning to thrash you here, but what I am meaning to say is I read your other work, and you are absolutely capable of better than this.

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1317797
#4
I agree, the flow and the word choice seem very rigid and forced. I would pick out some of the lines that you like best and keep them though. I usually find my writing to be way less forced when I'm not trying to write anything. I'll never sit down at first and tell myself to write something. What's helpful to me is to just actively listen to what your thoughts are and what you and other people say. It's surprising how much good material comes up out of the blue without hard work and thinking, then gets overlooked because people aren't paying attention. I've gotten a lot of pretty good lines from simple statements of thought inside my head. C4C?


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=24228552#post24228552
Last edited by JacKofAces91 at May 27, 2010,