#1
I really want this to be a song, but I can't think of any melodies that fit it. C4C.

-------------

On your horns
I swing from rope
Wet with shadow
And naked in your scrutiny

I'm Gomorrah
On your bedpost
Being winnowed
While you're plump with my praise

How much longer
Will I hang
From this vine
Until it's time?

Prim with primrose
But in virtue
Blistering ivy
Wrapped around your majesty

Like your widows
Got a number
To think a while on
Just tell me when you're ready for me

How much longer
Will I hang
From this vine
Until it's time?
#2
I do quite enjoy this. quiet and swift.

your word choice reminds me of lenoard cohen and rufus wainwright for some reason. I don't have much more to say, but this is my favourite stanza:

I'm Gomorrah
On your bedpost
Being winnowed
While you're plump with my praise

#3
Quote by Sticky Tissues
I do quite enjoy this. quiet and swift.

your word choice reminds me of lenoard cohen and rufus wainwright for some reason. I don't have much more to say, but this is my favourite stanza:

I'm Gomorrah
On your bedpost
Being winnowed
While you're plump with my praise



Haha, thanks, that's my favorite one too.
#5
Quote by Sticky Tissues
I do quite enjoy this. quiet and swift.

your word choice reminds me of lenoard cohen and rufus wainwright for some reason. I don't have much more to say, but this is my favourite stanza:

I'm Gomorrah
On your bedpost
Being winnowed
While you're plump with my praise


+1, just for using the word Gomorrah alone.
I'M A COWBOY
#6
The simplicity of this entire peice and the message Im getting from it is quite brilliant. Though in terms of imagery there is quite a bit to be desired, I feel you made up for it quite well in simple, base emotion.

Good shit man. If you happen to get a moment, a crit for crit would be much appreciated. Thanks much. Link is in the sig.
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#7
I like it. It does have a powerful thought behind it. I am not sure of what kind of style to put behind it. Maybe try something a little fast paced?
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Please help make me better! Critique my work:
Dream it Over, Again
#8
Quote by Chaingarden
I really want this to be a song, but I can't think of any melodies that fit it. C4C.
-------------
On your horns
I swing from rope
Wet with shadow ++
And naked in your scrutiny
i like it. unsure about the,
last line.

I'm Gomorrah +
On your bedpost
Being winnowed
While you're plump with my praise +++
nice, nice, nice.
How much longer
Will I hang
From this vine
Until it's time?
not a fan of this part.
Prim with primrose +
But in virtue
Blistering ivy
Wrapped around your majesty +++
good section. especially,
digging the last line.

Like your widows
Got a number
To think a while on
Just tell me when you're ready for me
iffy. starts out strong,
but i think it flails on the last line

How much longer
Will I hang
From this vine
Until it's time?


overall i like.
your diction is like rolling,
in sleaze and several pounds,
of uncut coke.
leaving me sleek with sweat,
and a strange sense of satisfaction.
i am the lamb.
point me to the slaughter.
#9
Quote by miloh.core
overall i like.
your diction is like rolling,
in sleaze and several pounds,
of uncut coke.
leaving me sleek with sweat,
and a strange sense of satisfaction.


Thank you, I think. If you're curious, the song's about a guy waiting for his turn with a dominatrix, so you're not far off base.

Heh, base. Like coke. I made a joke.