#1
I had originally wanted to revise this,
but after careful consideration,
I've decided to do that later

In the meantime, enjoy

First there was one
She yells her arguments three at a time
grabs my shoulders and shakes,
just making sure I know I'm wrong
before she lays her head on my chest
then pounds it with her fist
before she starts to cry

Then there were two
sitting at the table
talking all about me as if I couldn't hear
I do,
on and on with the reasons why
she should leave me
on and on with the reasons why
she won't
on and on with their reasons
and their hugs and their laughs and their sighs and their singing and and and

Now there are three
playing their music loud
no longer careful to skip the american bands
to make sure I don't feel included
spinning in each others' arms
whipping their hair around and around
while they dance and they hug and they kiss
and they all fall asleep together
all in one big pile
and they all fall asleep with smiles on their faces
Last edited by greyeyedfire at May 26, 2010,
#2
There's a tense shift after the first two lines of S1, but it looks like it would actually be messier to keep it all past tense. I'd start S1 with Then instead of next just for the alliteration. This rocks pretty hard, especially at the end.
Meadows
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#4
Theres a great sense of confusion and perhaps even paranoia created by this piece - I like it.

As an aside - is this about a person being out of place in a foreign country? Just the impression i got from
no longer careful to skip the american bands
to make sure I don't feel included


Anyway. Very enjoyable piece, very progressive. Keep up the good work
#5
Sorry this took so long... been distracted.

I really got into this in the third stanza. Seemed like the other two lacked the charisma to really pull me in. I know they are there to develop and set the "1 2 3" pattern... but if you would have started on the third stanza, I don't feel like I would have missed much. Each section was independent of the others as far as writing... the tale snakes weakly between them... but its vague enough that I feel like they don't tie together other than the little 123 gimmick that links them.

The first and second stanzas were just an orgy of vague accusations and repetitive themes... and to be honest, I felt like they really let down your third stanza... because by the time I got there, this had lost its zip and had to reestablish a connection with me. I guess I find that in a lot of your writing though... that the ending supersedes the beginning and I find the beginning to be a let down. Still the last stanza really brought the pain... and I liked the strength it delivered while still keeping character.

zC