#1
C4C

Winter frost blows by
and the old wolves north they cry
I look up to the moon
Oh yeah

Blow that cold north wind tonight
Chills my nerves right through my sights
Freezes my face

I don't feel you anymore
Through the frozen icy delacor
You've lost my splendor
I don't feel a thing

I don't feel you anymore
Frozen icy delacor
You've lost my splendor
I don't feel

I'm tired of searching
Under these birch trees
After I'm gone
I'm not coming back

I'm tired of searching
Under these birch trees
After I'm gone
never coming back

And after all these months gone by
Still see you, corner of my eye
I realize... I'm still singing this song
For you

Feelings rolling over again
Taking its toll inside my head
I love you
Don't know where to send my feelings to

I'm tired of searching
Under these birch trees
After I'm gone
Last edited by JacKofAces91 at May 27, 2010,
#2
Some themes that I enjoyed here, and I like the direction you're heading with the imagery. Mostly I had a problem with word choice and structure, but a little work can iron that out.

Quote by JacKofAces91
C4C

Winter frost blows by
and the old wolves north they cry
I look up to the moon
Oh yeah
The wording in the second line is a little clunky because you're forcing the rhyme between by and cry, which is weak anyway. The last line is just wasted space which could perhaps be better used to expand on the juxtaposition between your lament and the baying of wolves?

Blow that cold north wind tonight
Chills my nerves right through my sights
Freezes my face
No offense, but I have no idea what you're trying to convey here. The words are poorly arranged in my opinion. The first line seems to be telling someone to blow the wind. A possible restructuring may sound like, "That cold north wind blows strong tonight". Also, it doesn't make sense to me that nerves would be chilled through sights.

I don't feel you anymore
Through the frozen icy delacor
You've lost my splendor
I don't feel a thing

I don't feel you anymore
Frozen icy delacor
You've lost my splendor
I don't feel
"Frozen icy" is redundant, and, to my knowledge (and Google's), delacor isn't a word.

I'm tired of searching
Under these birch trees
After I'm gone
I'm not coming back

I'm tired of searching
Under these birch trees
After I'm gone
never coming back
I like this, but you've not really established what it is you're searching for. Perhaps you could expand on that?

And after all these months gone by
Still see you, corner of my eye
I realize... I'm still singing this song
For you
Again no complaints here. Not thrilled about the transition between you and corner, but it's easy enough to follow.

Feelings rolling over again
Taking its toll inside my head
I love you
Don't know where to send my feelings to
I like the assonance in the first two lines, but the grammar and word choice make it difficult to read. Perhaps something like, "feelings roll over again, taking toll inside my head" would flow better?

I'm tired of searching
Under these birch trees
After I'm gone
#3
Haha, you caught me . I made up delacor as a mix of decor and the name fleur delacour from harry potter. I wanted a three syllable word to mean that something was very beautiful, but over time became bitter, frozen ,and icy. The word seemed to do the job. Thanks a lot for the comment, really appreciate it.
#4
Winter frost blows by
and the old wolves north they cry
I look up to the moon
Oh yeah
You're doing some odd things with rhythm here.
Treat the first two syllables of the second line as pickup notes and the patterns match, but not with the third. If we put "I" on the downbeat, you have two unaccented syllables (to the) in a space where we normally had one. If "I" is a pickup note, the accents fall more in the normal pattern, but the stressed syllables highlight the wrong (imho) words. An oh yeah, so soon? Really, this ends on the third line. And that line hangs there without a partner.


Blow that cold north wind tonight
Chills my nerves right through my sights
Freezes my face
The pattern extends to a fourth downbeat in both of the first pair. Both start on the downbeat. This feels normal. But again we have a hanging line without a partner. And that line is short, with a disparate rhythm. It's a bit unsettling.


I don't feel you anymore
Through the frozen icy delacor
You've lost my splendor
I don't feel a thing

I don't feel you anymore
Frozen icy delacor
You've lost my splendor
I don't feel
The omissions work ... sort of. But you're using "splendor" in a rather odd way. It feels unsettling to me.

I'm tired of searching
Under these birch trees
After I'm gone
I'm not coming back

I'm tired of searching
Under these birch trees
After I'm gone
never coming back

And after all these months gone by
Still see you, corner of my eye
I realize... I'm still singing this song
For you

Feelings rolling over again
Taking its toll inside my head
I love you
Don't know where to send my feelings to

I'm tired of searching
Under these birch trees
After I'm gone


If this is a song, you can take some strong liberties with content, if you set strong rhythmic patterns. But I'm not feeling them. And the flow of thoughts seem a bit chaotic for poetry.
Meadows
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