#1
“Temptation”
Or
“Tear us From Our Torment”


Show me the inside
The dark eating you up
Breathe so slowly
That your heart grows cold
Behind red walls you cower
I’ve never seen a lover so sour <<<<< Verse 1
There is pleasure in pain
A light splitting the dark
Opposites are colliding
Run if you’re smart

I have never seen a vision
That was so clear in body and so dark in mind
I have seen all I need
Enough confusing signals for a lifetime <<<<<<<Chorus
I perspire over the smallest slight
A sleight of hand to darken the night
Is what awaits you on the other side

There is an impasse
An abyss that lengthens
I dare you to jump
Make the leap
Don’t pull your parachute
Your lifeline is gone
I ripped it in two
Like your little gesture, “From me to you”
How many others have you broken? <<<<<<Verse 2
How many hopes have been shattered
We have something to say
“From us to you”
We’re sick of your games
And no one wants to play

Chorus

Sway to your own beats
We’ll watch I promise
Believe in our fascination
It can’t be that hard
To tear our eyes away
Is just easy enough to say <<<<<<<<<Verse 3/Outro
Don’t believe a word you utter
There’s a line you crossed
And another, and another
Like the Prince who cast his eyes away
You’re the Girl who wanted him to stay
For your sake I feel I must say
“Let us be free and take our forlorn eyes away”


Though I do feel as if I was able to capture the emotion behind this song fully, and give a good description of it, I am concerned that I may have used a out of place rthyme scheme (if one even exists) and I might have used "say" a few too many times. If you feel that the above is true, please post that along with your thoughts on the peice if you would be so kind as to do so. Thanks much!
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#2
Thanks for the crit on my piece!

I liked this one, it had a mystery to it, but you still sort of had an Idea of what was goin on. I really dig the "from us to you" part, it has a real rebellion feel to it. I like it. Keep it up!
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#3
Quote by mr gOiD
Thanks for the crit on my piece!

I liked this one, it had a mystery to it, but you still sort of had an Idea of what was goin on. I really dig the "from us to you" part, it has a real rebellion feel to it. I like it. Keep it up!



Thanks man. Glad you liked it!
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#4
I agree with mr gOiD. It has an extremely rebellious feel to it. The rhyme scheme/pattern won't matter until you put it to music. That's the only time it really counts. Other than that, I'd say you did a damn good job. There was enough said to paint a picture in your head but still ambiguous enough to let people process the scenario in their own way. Keep it coming! C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1316133&highlight=Suicide+River
Some people just wanna watch the world burn. Wanna join me when I take my turn to pour the gas, light the match, see your world flip upside down and drop until it's inside out?
#5
Quote by Sewn Up
I agree with mr gOiD. It has an extremely rebellious feel to it. The rhyme scheme/pattern won't matter until you put it to music. That's the only time it really counts. Other than that, I'd say you did a damn good job. There was enough said to paint a picture in your head but still ambiguous enough to let people process the scenario in their own way. Keep it coming! C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1316133&highlight=Suicide+River



Thanks man, means alot. Thats exactly what I was going for.
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#6
This song is pretty good, I liked the 3rd verse a lot. I'm not sure if any of the two possible songtitles are fitting but I'd go for 'Tear us From Our Torment' if I had to choose.
Also, the rhyme scheme-thing doesn't really matter. Some songs don't even rhyme at all and it still sounds great.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1320061
I'M A COWBOY
#8
I deifinitly liked the idea behind this one and yeah, you did capture emotions really well. The whole concept behind this is also something you can fully relate to. I think the missing rhyme pattern is no reason to worry, it even makes it better to read, you know. That way there are no forced rhymes that let you stumble when reading.
Using "say" is really some kind of overused but if you hadn't mentioned it, I would not have noticed.
There are a lot of great sounding lines here, as for example:
"Your lifeline is gone
I ripped it in two
Like your little gesture, “From me to you”"
One thing I did not like though is the line telling of the prince, it didn't do anything for me and seemed somehow out of place.
But overall you wrote a piece that captured me and not so many works here do this.
#9
Thanks to the three above posters, i really appreciate the feedback. It means so much for you guys to ejoy something that I have written. Thanks once more.
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Last edited by PCADriven at Jun 2, 2010,
#10
Alright. All i have to say. absoloutly bloody wicked :P loved it. Though one thing, as you said, you say "say" quite much, maybe either find another word for "say" or just play a bit around with your words. Other than that? very nice. I got all these images passing my mind, and it was kinda cool :P Really nice job! Keep it up (:

Btw, love verse 1 and verse 2. verryyy nice!
#12
Thanks to both of you very much. I appreciate the positive feedback. And dont worry...Ill keep it coming. =)
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#13
3rd verse is my favorite. It seems like everything else is just leading up to it, and when you read the third verse, it's like going back to the root chord at the end of a song if you know what I mean.

Good work.
Gibson Les Paul Studio/Fender Telecaster/Fender Stratocaster -> MXR Phase 90 ->Vox V847 Wah -> Boss Ds-1 -> Ibanez Ts-9 -> Electro Harmonix Memory Boy ->
Jet City 20



Rome wasn't built in just a day.

#14
Thanks bebe17, i appreciate it. Thats an interesting thought about the third verse and the root of a song....seems to be correct. Thanks man!
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#15
Quote by PCADriven
Though I do feel as if I was able to capture the emotion behind this song fully, and give a good description of it, I am concerned that I may have used a out of place rthyme scheme (if one even exists) and I might have used "say" a few too many times. If you feel that the above is true, please post that along with your thoughts on the peice if you would be so kind as to do so. Thanks much!


The rhyme scheme felt a little out of place to me as well, but otherwise, this was very well done. I can say I have felt the same way as this song conveys many times in the past and you did a very fine job of capturing it. The pacing moves along very well and it doesn't seem to be missing anything.
#16
I agree with what others have said. It's really a refreshing piece in that you can read it, get the general meaning, then differ the rest for your self.

Good job brother!

PS: thank for the crit!
INFLUENCES
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Please help make me better! Critique my work:
Dream it Over, Again
#17
Thanks to the the above two posters, I appreciate the kind words, its definitely nice to know that people are enjoying something I wrote. Its really a great feeling.
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#18
I didn't notice any overuse of the word "say" as you mentioned, but if I over-analyzed things as i usually do, rather than taking things at face value, I'd probably be able to give you a more in-depth crit. But it's 20 past 3 in the morning and my brain is on standby, so im gonna keep it short.

I love the second verse, it seems to have a resonating vibe of revenge running through it. The song as a whole comes across to me as quite angry, I could hear it influenced by Sonata Arctica or Papa Roach. I'd love to hear this when it's done.
#19
Well, it's a little late so this probably won't do much for you, but I really like it. From a poetic point of view, I loved it! The style was awesome. When I'm reading it, it gives me a certain vibe. This is hard to explain, but it's like a dark smirk, if that makes sense. (By the way, I absolutely love when someone's got a good ear for a slant rhyme). I would love to hear it when you've got music for it.
"This nightmare's gonna break me.
Please, Daylight, save me..."
#20
Thanks to the above two posters.

Pyrest: No biggie, I appreciate any crit i can get, and yours was most kind indeed. Thanks man, and im gonna crit yours right now.

DaysofGrace: Thanks man, and dont worry, the more the merrier! I was certaintly going for a kind of "smirkish" attitude to the subject matter, and im glad someone noticed. And by the way, if I knew what a slant rhyme was, then Id be proud of doing it =) lol ill have to look up what that is.

Thanks again to both of you, means so much to me.
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#21
Haha. No problem, Buddy. (Slant rhyme is the same as approximate rhyme or an "almost rhyme." Dark/Smart or mind/Lifetime)
"This nightmare's gonna break me.
Please, Daylight, save me..."
#22
Quote by DaysofGrace
Haha. No problem, Buddy. (Slant rhyme is the same as approximate rhyme or an "almost rhyme." Dark/Smart or mind/Lifetime)



Ahh, now i c. Thanks for the explanation.
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#23
Quote by PCADriven
“Temptation”
Or
“Tear us From Our Torment”


Show me the inside
The dark eating you up
Breathe so slowly
That your heart grows cold
Behind red walls you cower
I’ve never seen a lover so sour <<<<< Verse 1
There is pleasure in pain
A light splitting the dark
Opposites are colliding
Run if you’re smart

The last line might work better as "you'll run if you're smart". However, I like the rest of this stanza, especially "I've never seen a lover so sour".

I have never seen a vision
That was so clear in body and so dark in mind
I have seen all I need
Enough confusing signals for a lifetime <<<<<<<Chorus
I perspire over the smallest slight
A sleight of hand to darken the night
Is what awaits you on the other side

I'm not so sure on the rhythm here; the second and fourth lines both seem like them might be a bit too long, making them sound awkward. I love the fifth and sixth lines, but the seventh seems out of place.

There is an impasse
An abyss that lengthens
I dare you to jump
Make the leap
Don’t pull your parachute
Your lifeline is gone
I ripped it in two
Like your little gesture, “From me to you”
How many others have you broken? <<<<<<Verse 2
How many hopes have been shattered
We have something to say
“From us to you”
We’re sick of your games
And no one wants to play

The first few lines don't really stand out, but overall, I really like this stanza.

Chorus

Sway to your own beats
We’ll watch I promise
Believe in our fascination
It can’t be that hard
To tear our eyes away
Is just easy enough to say <<<<<<<<<Verse 3/Outro
Don’t believe a word you utter
There’s a line you crossed
And another, and another
Like the Prince who cast his eyes away
You’re the Girl who wanted him to stay
For your sake I feel I must say
“Let us be free and take our forlorn eyes away”

I like most of this, but the last line seems a bit awkward.

Though I do feel as if I was able to capture the emotion behind this song fully, and give a good description of it, I am concerned that I may have used a out of place rthyme scheme (if one even exists) and I might have used "say" a few too many times. If you feel that the above is true, please post that along with your thoughts on the peice if you would be so kind as to do so. Thanks much!
Admitably, your rhyme scheme is a bit odd, but I can see it working, if done right. However, there are a few parts that sound awkward, moreso from length than rhyme scheme.

Thanks for the crit!
#24
Thank you very much for the in depth crit and taking the time to do so. Believe me when I say that I will definitely be referencing this when I go over the peice and revise it. Thanks again!
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#25
This song has power. It has a dark side, which there is some of that in all of us. I think "say" was only used three times. I don't see that as a problem. You have a lot of critiques here. They pretty much cover anything I would have said, and then some. There are some very good lyric here. Some good enough to hold solid ground aginst the best of songs. I'm impressed.

See ya next time,
jodyW
#26
Quote by jodyWayne
This song has power. It has a dark side, which there is some of that in all of us. I think "say" was only used three times. I don't see that as a problem. You have a lot of critiques here. They pretty much cover anything I would have said, and then some. There are some very good lyric here. Some good enough to hold solid ground aginst the best of songs. I'm impressed.

See ya next time,
jodyW



Thank you for the kind words jody. it means alot. I hope that I can continue to impress you in later works. Be on the lookout! :P
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#27
Your welcome. I will be on the lookout. I have no doubt you will not only impress me, but some day "the world".

Take care my friend,
jodyW
#28
Quote by jodyWayne
Your welcome. I will be on the lookout. I have no doubt you will not only impress me, but some day "the world".

Take care my friend,
jodyW



Well, Im just glad someone thoroughly enjoyed my lyrics. Thats all a writer can ask for.
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#29
Thanx for the crit on my song "Bird On The Fence".... I really enjoyed this piece... the emotion is portrayed vividly... it also had an Edgar Allen Poe kind of feel for me; which is good because he's one of my favorite writers of all time.... anyway, it was a real treat to read this... looking forward to more... don't let me down after this one...
Quote by cpt_pimp
my last fail was breaking up with my gf.

that's going to suck for a while


Quote by leg end
Well, not really haha!


#30
Quote by popeye100
Thanx for the crit on my song "Bird On The Fence".... I really enjoyed this piece... the emotion is portrayed vividly... it also had an Edgar Allen Poe kind of feel for me; which is good because he's one of my favorite writers of all time.... anyway, it was a real treat to read this... looking forward to more... don't let me down after this one...


Thanks for the kind words. ill try not too! Hey, btw, if your looking for more of my stuff, then id suggest going to my profile and checking out all the threads that say untitled =)
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