#1
broke light speed swinging centrifugal out of the tunnel
360 back to whiteplains drinking baileys
sage worship in ears too young to know rehab
from drugs i aint even seen cept in movies
but i heard em injected nasally last night
two 20 year old wannabe lesbians from chicago
trying to kiss calmly under soft turtleshell lamplight
hands unsure of where their legs were switched places
until left and right became social constructions

love back to its roots, instinctual food stuffing
and the eye candy that tasted good by the downed shade
when the window opened by the power of the sun
no one could have done anything but run far pulling small
Paul Reveres into the country all bells and whistles to tell em
dont go there

dont come here
that apartment in bedford where torture is accepted
old beatles records spinning whole orchestra sound
out of harlem-125th cant even see the ground moving
too fast to stay in town for a second moving too
fast to hear inferno shades screaming dull help yelps for freedom
#2
i dig the interesting imagery,
and choice of words.
a prime cut in my opinion.
i am the lamb.
point me to the slaughter.
#3
There's a moment following 'from drugs' where everything is a pleasure to read out loud, and thats how I like taking poetry in - lingering over the taste of words, how they come out into the foreground - and how they stay intact. The opening two lines were too ambiguous I felt, too detached, sterile, like reading out scientific instructions - but everything after that was very enjoyable.

I think theres too many syllables in 'trying to kiss calmly under soft turtleshell lamplight' if you really want to make use of that rhyme with 'night' then I'd drop the lamp or the turtleshell. But I'm not in your head so don't sacrifice any meaning for a quirk in the rhythm.

Another suggestion: having the 'dull help yelps for freedom' on its own line - instead of having one long line.

I like how this works without punctuation, I wouldn't suggest using punctuation as this is pretty cohesive without it.

Enjoyed.
#6
I think Hendrix hit everything that I was gonna comment about. But I just wanted to say that I too loved this. The last stanza especially was by far my favorite. I always admire the voice you are able to build into your pieces and this was no exception.

sorry i couldn't add anything very constructive. just wanted to say that this was very, very enjoyable to read.
here, My Dear, here it is
#7
I sorta lost you in the middle bit, but I really liked the words and imagrcy (excuss the spelling), I really liked it.
CYMRU


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