I'm sorry, I really don't want to be posting this but I cannot use the phone right now to call anybody and I don't know who to talk to without scaring or angering them. My father just came home from cataract surgery and is already upset so I'm just trying to remain quiet and not call attention to myself inside the house.

I've been struggling with depression for a long time now... it peaked when I was about 16, but it's been around since I was 9 or 10. I've done a lot for myself to try and get over it (sleep, exercise, hobbies, etc) but right now I am very scared for myself. If anything, even if this gets closed within a couple of minutes, at least it is calming me down by taking the time to type this out.

I love my parents very much. They have done so much for me. I'm a first generation child, the first in my family to be born in the US, after my parents and older brothers moved here from Bangladesh. I was a somewhat rebellious teen; I did very well in school and tried to help out at home but after living with culture differences with my parents my whole life, I had a bad habit of lying to them. I'm not supposed to date, but when I was 16 the cops had found me with my boyfriend in the back of his car, a very poor decision on my part. Needless to say, my parents were devestated and they're still not over it, nor will they ever be. I've been trying very hard to earn their trust back but I often feel like I'm not getting anywhere. In general, I dont feel like I ever satisfy them. I had attempted suicide about 3 times when I was 10 and twice again when I was 16 but have not done anything since then.

I'm at a real low right now, Pit. I am trying to calm myself down. I am trying very hard not to go into my bathroom and do something stupid. However, I am very overwhelmed. Despite the young age, I was very much in love with the boy at 16, and he stuck through with me even with all the problems. He was with me in my most vulnerable state, and our friendship is very strong because of that. Now, a few years later, we are still good friends and go to college together, but I have to be secretive about seeing him at home. I made him lunch today at my house because my parents were going to be gone until 3... they ended up coming before noon and he hadn't left yet. Nothing happened, but my father is very upset (as he should be) and I know he will be for a long time. The look of disgust he gave me has put me into relapse and I can't stop thinking about everything from the past and how painful it was. I've been trying so hard to earn back their trust and this was another lapse in judgement on my part.

I feel stupid. I feel worthless. I feel like a failure to my parents. I feel like while I may have potential to make them proud, I am much too restless and self-absorbed to ever come through with it. I feel like I shouldn't be here. I feel worthless in school because I can't manage a 3.7, which I need to get into a good medical school and make my parents happy, even though I've worked my ass off this year and was satisfied with my results... it sounds ridiculous and stupid to be that upset about that, but I am, which makes me feel even worse. I can't talk to my father without arguing, which I have been trying not to do ever since I was little, but it seems I can't talk to him without it being bleing blown out of proportion. Hell, my father wouldn't talk to me the day I graduated from high school, even though I spent a good hour searching for them in a mass of people immediately after the ceremony ended. And at this point, I'm just whining about stupid things like this. Most people would get over it, and for some reason here I am, wanting to kill myself.

So, Pit, I can't believe I am posting this, but I guess I just needed to let it out somewhere. Mods, you can close it, I'm sure it is deemed inappropriate, and I'm sorry. I need help.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist

e-married to
& alaskan_ninja

Saadia don't do anything stupid, I think you're a great girl and I don't see why you would do that because you're afraid you'll upset your parents. So please, don't do anything

PM me if you want to talk about it, I think the forums are a bit... wonky.
please don't

▲ ▲

World War Z

My dearest friend, if you don't mind
I'd like to join you by your side
Where we can gaze into the stars
And sit together, now and forever
For it is plain as anyone can see
We're simply meant to be
I'm closing this, but PM me if you want somebody to talk to.
Quote by Bob_Sacamano
i kinda wish we all had a penis and vagina instead of buttholes

i mean no offense to buttholes and poop or anything

Rest in Peace, Troy Davis and Trayvon Martin and Jordan Davis and Eric Garner and Mike Brown