#1
so this is the second thread i've ever made
apparently i did something wrong last time SORRY

any and all comments and crit is welcome and also would like some help with the melody if i made it to a song, im not real good with that aspect

i just kinda finished it and noone else has seen or heard it
anyway this is tentatively called

"When the [Happyiness] is All Gone'


I have things to do tomorrow when I'm not slacking off
my life is such a horror when im not ****ing or jacking off
I'd love to laugh and think to myself all day long
but i know i wont be laughing when the weed is all gone

Sometimes my heart so full of love, and with joy it overflows
I want to spread it to everyone so the world will feel my soul
Theres times when i feel nothing, and I'm empty but act so noone knows
Im just a shell a masquerade the dark loneliness of a blackhole

I have things to do tomorrow when im not so depressed
my life is such a horror when everyday is a test
I'd love to laugh and consider my misfortunes all day long
i know i wont be laughing when the whiskey is all gone

I tire of this world, this life, and its many ups and downs
I wonder if there really is tranquility and where it can be found
Tossed by the sea of turmoil and confusion raging inside me
I'm lost and i cant see. Will anybody find me?

I have things to do tomorrow, I dont know why i even try
my life is such a horror when im just waiting to die
I'd love to laugh and wait around all day long
.....im not laughing or smiling now the pills are all gone


Like a brand new sponge my existence began
absorbing love and life in my younger years
I now resemble a filthy dish rag
squeezed and wrung till i've been drained of all my tears
Yo no tengo miedo de todo
pero yo no deseo vivir solo


(translation: 'i have no fear of anything
but i do not desire to live alone')

there it is, might still mess with the organization of the last part, like putting the spanish in between the sponge and dish rag lines and again after like a backgroung chorus thing
ideas?
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#2
Soirry I took so loing to crit this. Anyways, I'm not too fond of the first stanza. I'm not really a big fan of the crudeness, but more importantly it just doesn't fit the tone of the rest of the piece. I really like the fourth verse though. I thought it was pretty clever the way it all tied together.also I thought the last stanza was very original, my only gripe with it is that the fourth line is too long. Anyways, thank you for your crit. I appreciate it.
#3
thx to you too sir
some swell guys i met on UG:

Quote by tremeloud
You're a douche


Quote by CodySG

So I hope you have fun touching your dead dogs fur while you're rolling.



Add me
My PSN id: jbetter1 (tell me ur from UG)
MW2 WOOT!! hit me up