#1
i once was told to understand that
heaven holds more questions than
i can ever fathom.
but like a dog, i still roam the lake shores
following the hidden scents of marble cars;
i pull on the threads in the water,
make the northern tides come and go,
i sit and count, years and days,
until the sun explodes and my mind melds
to form a child held in a body of bro-
ken bones.

but ahead of my heart
is a step and a spark,
an exhale for a new green world
spinning in the words spoken
by lifelong strangers,
friends for the moment, sharks and plankton,
and every undercurrent of life
swimming for survival.
here, there is an emergence,
a revival through neither rifles nor bibles,
but electricity, that has surged in
a certain sea while we on land
understand that the thunder and lightning
is just some lord doing his work.

i see it all on our glowing faces,
entranced by the dancing bonfire
while out in our respective darknesses,
an ocean roars in the silence between our laughter.
a seafoam breeze seeps slowly through the hills,
and from the neighboring town
to the end of the world
it enters through every window,
sitting in our ears, noses, and mouths.
and such an instance,
it sounds and resounds
and we coexist,
all of earth's creatures,
as god does his best to lay himself
from end to end
in a bid to groom
another god.
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at May 27, 2010,
#2
'but like a dog' doesn't do anything for me. i don't think it adds anything, however, the rest after it is great.
#3
Quote by hippieboy444
'but like a dog' doesn't do anything for me. i don't think it adds anything, however, the rest after it is great.

It seems to be a recurring theme in his writing. So, while perhaps a little out of place here, it may fit in a broader context.

@SubwayToVenus

I have to say that your writing is the reason I've returned to this forum in the first place. The style of it, the structure and subtle rhyming techniques used, have been inspirational, and I often find the content to be moving or profound or both.

This piece is no different, and I enjoyed every line of it. Well done.
#4
You've come miles from when you first started posting here. Miles and miles and miles.

It kills me. We both came here around the same time, and you've improved light years ahead of me.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at May 28, 2010,
#5
Quote by SubwayToVenus
but like a dog,



built like a dog maybe? just an idea.

I love this piece tho
Up ........... and ................. Down

But in the end its only round and round


Quote by TBC Guitarist
Porn degrades my sperm count.


Quote by saphrax
If a girl says something, and nobody is there to hear it, is she still wrong?
#6
your images were brought up and then (I felt) abandoned. they were all whispy and philosophical, which was cool, but you needed to spend longer on some of them to truly make them stick.

I would like to see a couple more drafts of this piece go through your pen before you lay it to rest, theres a lot here, let it breathe, give each of your more whispy ideas a concrete core, and this will be a real piece of poetry you got on yer hands her' boy.

hope you're well.
#7
I was going to attempt to tear this apart and really seriously analyse it, but I saw that would be a waste of time, as I can sum it up pretty quickly with "wow", quality work there, check out "The Newest One" in my sig, if you could find the time, as any crit. on it would be greatly appreciated.
#8
Dogs have always been kind of a go-to image for me. They do hold a lot of significance for me but that one line might've been poorly conceived. I'll look into changing it up.

@ denizenz, I really, really appreciate the compliment. Thanks a lot.

@ganoosh, I appreciate it man. I wouldn't say I've improved more than you, I think we've just adopted two different styles. I've been digging your stuff though, for real.

@synth, yeah I can see what you mean. I do like to hop from one image to another rather quickly. This piece means a lot to me so I'll definitely go back and edit it and give some of my images a more concrete foundation.


Thanks all for the words. I'll get to yours as soon as I can.
here, My Dear, here it is
#9
I agree with the others. I'd change 'but like a dog'.


Apart from that - wow.
RIP Tom Searle.
#10
Quote by SubwayToVenus
I wouldn't say I've improved more than you,



You're alone.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#11
very nice. "some lord" was a little clunky. And are you sure about the broken bones linebreak?

I feel like but i still roam the shores like a dog would be better and smoother than the inversion form of 'but like a dog i roam'.

I appreciate the flow of the middle but i didnt like the pace shift. it went to quickly and didnt have enough time to develop. be careful with your diction in there too.

really enjoyed this.

our respective darknesses was great.

lots of love. if you feel like it I guess I kind of wanted some people to read this https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1317831
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#12
i wanted to "break up" the word broken to create that effect, that's all.

thanks all again.
here, My Dear, here it is