#1
meh.

by the end of tonight
all the pianos will have been tuned
perfectly, with equally tempered facial expressions.
i can hear hardly
your voice telling me about the views
from skyscraper roofs
on easter mornings
in a bottle sideways in a hallway
on an end table absorbing living room
echoes 'look at what i brought back
from tangier' you will have said.

i will have said that it is nice
to see that is where money goes.
how hunger do darfurians get? i forget
how hungry i get sometimes
when i think about walking and thinking about you
pushing oyster-shelled leaves as far
as physics allows at that moment,
that, in autumn, we think about summer
'remember the pattern of each day?'
we sit on adjacent horizons and say
nothing is what we expect it to
turn out to be
until we settle for less.

i will make the best of community college
and living at home. i will make the best
of a family and kids
the pianos are perfectly tuned
i have equally tempered facial expressions
rehearsed for saying 'look at what
i have learned'
Last edited by hippieboy444 at May 31, 2010,
#2
Quote by hippieboy444
meh.

by the end of tonight
all the pianos will have been tuned
perfectly, with equally tempered facial expressions.
i can hear hardly
your voice like a short fuse What's with the line break here?
telling me about the views from skyscraper gravel roofs And here.
on easter morning
in a bottle sideways in a hallway
from a stained end table absorbing
living room echoes And again
'look at what i brought back
from tangier' you will have said.

i will have said that it is
nice to see that is where money goes.
how hunger do darfurians get? i forget
how hungry i get sometimes when
i think about walking and thinking about you
pushing oyster-shelled leaves as far
as physics allows at that moment, that
in autumn, we think about summer
'remember the pattern of each day?'
we sit on adjacent horizons and say nothing Another terrible line break.
is what
we expect it to turn out to be
until we settle for less.

i will make the best of community college
and living at home. i will make the best of a
family and kids Again?!
the pianos are perfectly tuned
i have equally tempered facial expressions
rehearsed for saying 'look at what
i have learned'


The line breaks murdered this. I just got really wrapped up in that before I got too into anything else, so I decided just to single this out. There were a lot of breaks that didn't need to be there at all. But meh, we all end a line on something retarded. All the time. Watch what words you end lines on. I put the bad ones in bold. Make sure it's something with substance that's the last word in a line, because it is emphasized.

If you could:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1318901

Don't feel like you have to. I owe you so many crits...
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at May 30, 2010,
#4
i have to agree with ganoosh slightly that if this was formatted better, i would like it that much more. that being said, i do like this. the second stanza is where it really picked up for me.

i will make a suggestion that was recently made to me and that has to do with your imagery. there are a lot of images here, so much so that i'm slightly overwhelmed as to what i should warrant significant. one example is the "skyscraper, easter morning" line. i felt like that image was described and immediately forgotten. that's not to say that isn't a good image because it is, but in the overall scheme of the poem it got lost. just a suggestion.

as i said before, i like it. however, the impact is akin to a punch to the ear when you were aiming for the face. i could still feel this but i know i could feel more from it. and you're only that far off from it.
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
Have you ever read Dean Koontz? My only problem with him is he is way over descriptive and that is what I think of this poem. I feel like you need to strip it down a little bit. Cut some images out and replace them with less deep lines and use those less deep lines to make the images you keep stronger. I feel like it would be much better poetically if you had less but stronger images.

So yeah, thats my crit.

I got a new one you can check out if you want.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1319697
#7
I feel like it would be much better poetically if you had less but stronger images.
#8
Quote by 21wickwing
I feel like it would be much better poetically if you had less but stronger images.



Quote by kinah5
I feel like it would be much better poetically if you had less but stronger images.



Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black