#1
It's there. In every smile
it hides in the creases of your lips
and when your eyes light up it's there in the empty spaces in between
laughing like darkness laughs when light can't catch it,
and light can never catch it completely,
it's there always, always always
in the way the summer sun dries your tears and
massages your shoulders, it's there.
In every word it's hiding there just behind your tongue.
Most of all it's there when you stare off at nothing,
down at the emerald carved grass, up at the stars,
at nothing and I can see your mind tick straight
through your eyes, I can see your soul screaming and
it's screaming and it's there in the screams
there in the back corner of you,
of your mind of the place so deep inside shadows of shadows
whisper secrets to themselves, the kind you're afraid to listen
to because you might see yourself too clearly
and it's there, it's all the way back there,
it's in every every and it's an impending failure,
a misunderstanding, an explosion, a fear. It's fear
and it's a waiting, a knowing, a certainty.
It's a knowing, and that's the scariest part.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at May 28, 2010,
#2
It's there. In every smile
it hides in the creases of your lips
I think I rather hear this connected to the last of the previous line
hiding rather than it hides.

and when your eyes light up it's there in the empty spaces in between
laughing like darkness laughs when light can't catch it,
and light can never catch it completely,
it's there always, always always
in the way the summer sun dries your tears and
massages your shoulders, it's there.
In every word it's hiding there just behind your tongue.
Most of all it's there when you stare off at nothing,
down at the emerald carved grass, up at the stars,
at nothing and I can see your mind tick straight
through your eyes, I can see your soul screaming and
it's screaming and it's there in the screams
there in the back corner of you,
of your mind of the place so deep inside shadows of shadows
whisper secrets to themselves, the kind you're afraid to listen
to because you might see yourself too clearly
and it's there, it's all the way back there,
it's in every every and it's an impending failure,
a misunderstanding, an explosion, a fear. It's fear
and it's a waiting, a knowing, a certainty.
It's a knowing, and that's the scariest part.


This was an odd little journey. Usually we associate fear with uncertainty. Here you spin it around 180 at the end and fear certainty. The fear was alluded to all along. The certainty was a nice surprise. It took just the right amount of time to get there and the sights along the way were worth seeing.
Meadows
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#3
well written, takes the reader away, tells a story, creates a great imagery, love it, cant tear it to pieces, so I believe the best i can do is Bump it, just so others will also rread it, fantastic, and thanks again for the crit on mine, much appreciated.

Cheers
#4
lines 3,4, and 5 are stunning; also, 'I can see your mind tick straight/through your eyes'. Really, this piece is very well written. The repetitions and imagery really give it a lot of momentum, and, as someone i knew said, the end is a nice surprise. I really enjoy it.
#5
Quote by Ganoosh
It's there. In every smile
it hides in the creases of your lips
and when your eyes light up it's there in the empty spaces in between
laughing like darkness laughs when light can't catch it,
and light can never catch it completely,
it's there always, always always
in the way the summer sun dries your tears and
massages your shoulders, it's there.
In every word it's hiding there just behind your tongue.
Most of all it's there when you stare off at nothing,
down at the emerald carved grass, up at the stars,
at nothing and I can see your mind tick straight the shift after "nothing" caught slightly off guard. in my opinion it could use some smoothing out. could just be me though
through your eyes, I can see your soul screaming and
it's screaming and it's there in the screams i really loved the repetition here
there in the back corner of you,
of your mind of the place so deep inside shadows of shadows
whisper secrets to themselves, the kind you're afraid to listen
to because you might see yourself too clearly
and it's there, it's all the way back there,
it's in every every and it's an impending failure,
a misunderstanding, an explosion, a fear. It's fear
and it's a waiting, a knowing, a certainty.
It's a knowing, and that's the scariest part.


This is a personal favorite of mine from you. I felt a lot of movement in it like I was riding the waves of your ideas and words until you brought me to where you wanted me to be. I was impressed by the flow of this as well as its content. Keep writing my friend and I'll keep reading
here, My Dear, here it is
#6


Thanks guys.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#7
this is so good, aaron.

I don't like some of the repetition of 'it's there' but that's okay. the content makes up for some of the tone slips.
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