#1
Within The Blurred Walls of Sanity.
Forget my words,
There all a little too selfish,
I’ll just settle for your world,
Though it’s more than enough

When all, has become,
Little more than a trust,
Listen, to what I have to say,
As you’ll never be bought,

Give me your word,
So the rest is just blur,
Help, so I can speak now,
Have I worth now?

Or was I nothing?

It’s ok to create yourself,
When you’re lost within another,
The folly of man, be the strength of others,
Sort it out with a hammer.

Though, I’m a little too selfish,
The rest is just a blur.

I watch the scars that are carved in my hands,
I whisper,
I must be still, for you to embrace me
Would you embrace me?

The promises.

Will you trust in what I’m saying, when I say that we aren’t cold,
We were never cold,
We’ve never been born.
Yet still, we’ll stay together.

The rest is just a blur.

I’ll settle for this world,
And forget my words,
They’re a little too selfish.

We won’t be bought.



Wrote this in quite a stupour, C4c
#2
First off, chill out with the commas. Assuming these are lyrics(though I'm not sure because of the lack of a chorus or a rhyme scheme?), the rhythm isn't important when written down on paper, that only matters when it's played aloud. This is about the words, so the commas that you no doubt inserted to indicate pauses when singing don't need to be there, they just interrupt someone trying to look at the words themselves. If that's not why they're there, then just chill out with the commas. :p

This is mediocre. It's decent, until you realize that you could do much better than this and raise your standards again, then read it again. And really, you could do much better. The problem is, when reading this, I don't care because you don't make me care. You don't even try to make me care. Always remember that it's about the audience first, then the characters in the story, then yourself. The way you have it, it's yourself, then the "you"character in the story, and then the audience isn't even on the list. What I mean by this is that you give me no indication of who this "you" is that you're speaking of. Obviously it's a lover. But I have nothing to get attached to. There's no description that helps me get to know this "you" better. I feel like you wrote this extremely emotionally charged up. Try not to do that. Jot down ideas and remember what you're thinking about and what's got you all fired up, but don't actually write when you're in a state like that. Wait, nevermind. Write when you're like that, but never show anyone. That's the kind of writing that you write for you and not for anyone else. Go back to it later when you have a clear head and mentally revisit the emotion, this way you'll be able to write better, more interesting.

If you are writing lyrics, then you should try using choruses and some sort of rhyme scheme. It can be a very subtle one, but you should try it out all the same.

Keep writing. I want to see you do better. You can.




If you wouldn't mind returning the crit: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1318901
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
Ganoosh, thanks a lot for replying to the piece. I'm aware its sub standard, and after re-reading it, can fully understand where your coming from, I was drunk when I stuck this on, lol, not using that to try and say "thats why it sucked", I wrote it to try and see it stuff comes out better while drunk, answer? nope. I could certainly try to revise this, maybe take some ideas from it and reitterate them sober haha, consider this piece an experiment, a failed one, but none the less an experiment, still, I'd love anyone else's feedback on it, just to see where I could take it haha.

Cheers, I'll certainly check your stuff out dude, thanks again
#4
I'll add on to what Ganoosh said. My sole gripe with this piece is the lack of images that I can cling onto and really sink my teeth into. The events that happen in your life are what are most important. They are your inspiration for what you write. However, most of the time your audience will have no clue about what events you're referring to when they're reading your pieces which means it's up to you to bridge that gap. One of the ways you can do that is through imagery. The right image paints a picture in the reader's mind and connotes the tone that you want to portray. Already, we can start to experience the piece with you, you are showing everything to us, you are the pilot taking us along the ride. As Ganoosh alluded to, you have to make the reader participate in the journey with you. And one way you accomplish this is giving us images that are relatable, vivid, and original.

Now if I were the subject of this piece, I probably would know exactly what you're talking about and I would feel a bigger impact. And that is fine if that is your intended audience. But since you posted the piece here (albeit intoxicated haha) I'm assuming you want others to connect to this and you feel like others can relate and feel whatever has happened to you. So...help us out with that. Give us more in imagery, tone, voice, character and we'll give you what you want: a connection.
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
Very surreal, has a deep feel to it. However, it feels a bit too vague. As Subway To Venus said, you have the pieces for something that is really good, you just need to find a coherent glue to put the pieces together. Decide what you want to say with what you have and go about saying it in the best way you can. All you have to do is string it together the right way. I certainly hope that you manage to bring what you have to its full potential!