#1
Heya guys, first time poster and I want to know what you think of my new song.. Don't bash me to hard, I know I'm emo, I suck, and there's no point in me living. Keep on trollin'.

''No matter how hard I tried
You never cared
Everytime I walked by you
I was merely air
And no matter how hard I tried
The love was never there


But where were you when
I was lookin' for you?
You were just walkin' by
Maybe back then
I were maybe to shy

While you were walkin' off
Into the shadows
I stood by my door
Listenin' to the sparrows
And the line of hate and sorrow
Grows extremely narrow

But where were you when
The love ran cold
You were just walkin' by
With your stare so bold
Maybe back then
My soul was already sold

But even though it didn't work before
Maybe though, we could try once more
All these crass intentions, and the dead redemption
For the times that love grow old, and the darkness so cold
Just like you have to have air, you have to care

But where were you when
I needed you the most
You were just walkin' by
With no self-esteem to boast
Maybe back then
You had no soul to host


'cause I know you
And some where down the road
You were just walkin' by
Feeling so and so.
Maybe back then

You cared too little to know''

Enjoy.
Last edited by zelyx01 at May 29, 2010,
#2
it's not bad.
i find it a little cliche, but whatever.
to each his own style of writing.

maybe look for some more colorful adjectives.
i am the lamb.
point me to the slaughter.
#3
I remember the first time I ever posted. Scary. I will say that the time spent here has been very helpful and productive. The hints, tips, and crits have all helped me become a better writer. So, let’s take a look.

''No matter how hard I tried
You never cared
Every time I walked by you
I was merely air
And no matter how hard I tried (Lose the “and” at the beginning)
The love was never there

(If I remember correctly, it was “ZanaCross” who chastised me for using too many “ands” especially to begin the next line. I took the advice and it definitely improved my song writing. A question, how hard did you really try if you were simply walking by hoping to be noticed? To convey that feeling perhaps something like this below.)

Now matter how hard I looked your way
You never seemed to care
Every time I walked by you
I was merely air

Was I really so invisible
That you never caught my stares
deafened to my silent screams
To open up and share


But where were you when (Lose the “but&rdquo
I was lookin' for you?
You were just walkin' by
Maybe back then
I were maybe to shy

While you were walkin' off
Into the shadows
I stood by my door
Listenin' to the sparrows
And the line of hate and sorrow
Grows extremely narrow

But where were you when
The love ran cold
You were just walkin' by
With your stare so bold
Maybe back then
My soul was already sold

But even though it didn't work before
Maybe though, we could try once more
All these crass intentions, and the dead redemption
For the times that love grow old, and the darkness so cold
Just like you have to have air, you have to care

But where were you when
I needed you the most
You were just walkin' by
With no self-esteem to boast
Maybe back then
You had no soul to host


'cause I know you
And some where down the road
You were just walkin' by
Feeling so and so.
Maybe back then

You cared too little to know''

I am going to stop here. I think you have too many forced rhymes. You can convey the message by using more metaphors and by taking what you have written and reading it over and then try re-writing each verse until the message is there without it being forced. It should flow and be enjoyable to read as well as sung. Some of my songs I have re-written almost ten times before the first post. I would like to see what you come up with and then crit the re-write. It isn’t bad for the first post, not at all, but I know you can do better and you should know that too.


I would appreciate it if you would crit my latest, as well. Click the link.


PINO
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=24202804#post24202804
#4
Thanks for the criticism and tips, IamOmega. Appreciate it alot!