#1
Hey guys Im kinda new to the S&L forum and writing in general.
Heres one of my first pieces. Its kind of a slow, atmospheric acoustic song.

I've become the one that I despised
Looking through a cowards eyes
Wallowing in my own lies
I have finally realized
I am the one I loathed so much
I am the one I can't bare to touch
Every time I look in the mirror I see
A hypocrite staring back at me

As I sit and reminisce
About all the things I dearly miss
All the people that I've hurt
Memories buried
Beneath the dirt

Of years past and time long gone,
I sit alone alone and sing my song
To deaf ears that no longer care
To people I wish that were still there
Those who can no longer bare
Cant afford to pay the fare
To except empty apologies
I turned my back
Yet still said follow me

Try to turn it all around
But its a ship thats run aground
To late to turn back the way
I truly long for yesterday

Brutal self realization
Becoming clear
I speak the words I so long denied my ears
I come to find that in the end
No matter how hard I tried
I only became him

Thanks for reading.
C4C please.
Last edited by metalmafia13 at May 30, 2010,
#2
To except empty apologies


Should be "To accept empty apologies".

Otherwise, this was a really nice piece. I liked it a fair bit. Only thing that is a bit of a niggle is the rhyme scheme, it jumps around a lot, going from AAAABBCC to ABBCDE at the end of the song. It also reminds me of one of Roald Dahls stories in a way, with the rhyming. It was still a very enjoyable piece, and I could imagine this being a very deep, lamenting acoustic. Good job
#3
Thanks man. Im still working on it so I could try and improve the rhyme scheme.
I just dont know to much about the technical aspects of writing.
And thanks for the Roald Dahl comparison, hes one of my favorites.