#1
i motioned towards the fire escape stairwell and
called the bluff of an old cold war veteran when
he said he could bench press the southern hemisphere
if it wasn't for all the ******s and queers-
color is a concept decorated with snowflakes and
time warped pedestrians who pushed the 'walk'
button on a streetlight and got transported 100 miles
east of southern russia- to perpetuate the stereotype i say
all oranges are orange and lazy, they sit mindlessly on
the limbs of their host and do nothing but absorb the
oxygen and water from them hastily, but i say nothing else
to defend that statement- the veteran sits cockeyed in a
rocking chair puffing vapor from a humidifier and says now
he could kill me with his hands 30 different ways and i
believed him- i imagine him forty years ago at train stations
asking anyone for a cigarette- mindlessly chasing children to
prove that he is faster than them-grab-assing other men's women
that he could never get because the skin on his teeth is wrinkled and
yellow- a useless fu.ck of a man- I asked him how many different ways
he could kill himself with his own hands and then ran away scared down the street.
Last edited by rushmore at May 30, 2010,
#3
this was crazy but in that way where the only sane thing to do is to go crazy

some of the dashes were confusing. i wasnt sure if them-grab-assing was supposed to be connected or if the first was more of a break

i dunno i loved it. the cold war... russia... old wrinkled teeth veterans. imagining them 40 years ago at train stations was so great it felt necessary. this was way tangled but also really involving. very pretty. very glad to read it.

if youre up for reading. no obligation. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1317831
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#4
thank you very much gentleman. i will be returning crits tonight when i have internet again.

the dashes need to be touched up a bit i think, i will work on that.
#5
I wasn't sure what to think of it when I read it earlier. It's very different... the cleverness and political nature were well-painted. It lacks the flow you usually have; usually your pieces are run-ons but they have a certain rhythm and grace to where it works, whereas this is a little more cluttered


I love the ideas. It took a bit of effort to read through though.
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