#1
C4C. To clear it up. Blues-rock. More blues in the beginning and a blues outro. then mid-tempo rock in the middle with the (wall of words)

I sit here and
I watch the clock tick
Backwards
As if it could go
Back in time

So what would it be like
If this clock were true
Maybe
My son will return
From battle

From the tears…
From the past.

*****************

I could be proud once again
To serve the life of a paratrooper
I could look at my son
Hold his degree with dignity
I could watch his face light up
after getting his first car
I could sit back confidently
As he goes on his first date
I could coach his baseball team
For years, teaching him to be a man
I could laugh with unending joy
At his face after receiving a PlayStation
I could take as many pictures as I can
On his seventh birthday
I could wave him off to school
For his first day again
I could see the joy in his eyes
On his first Christmas
And I could hold him in my arms
For the first time

****************

If only the world could tick backwards

(Have an mp3 coming soon)
Last edited by 21wickwing at May 31, 2010,
#2
Tbh, I didn't enjoy this. I don't know what genre you were going for, so I was imagining it like slow rock, but it just didn't sound good. It didn't have anything memorable, aside from the title. It didn't seem to have any real organization, just two stanzas/verses and then a wall of words. Sorry man, didn't like it. And I'm sorry if that criticism sucked, I'm new to this.
"Whoever said beauty is only skin deep must have been thinking of you."
#3
What you go into in after the first stanza, before the 'wall', doesn't work out well. It didn't give the desired effect, nor any non-detrimental effect.
I'm underlining odd words, italicizing cliches, and bolding parts that just don't fit.

I could be proud once again
To serve the life of a paratrooper
I could look at my son
Hold his degree with dignity
I could watch his face light up
after getting his first car
I could sit back confidently
As he goes on his first date
I could coach his baseball team
For years, teaching him to be a man
I could laugh with unending joy
At his face after receiving a PlayStation

I could take as many pictures as I can
On his seventh birthday
I could wave him off to school
For his first day again
I could see the joy in his eyes
On his first Christmas
And I could hold him in my arms
For the first time


It feels like you say the same thing over and over. The joy, his face, receiving a gift, etc. There's no clencher here, nor anywhere else in the piece.
#4
I think you need to go over this again and just edit certain parts, over all I think there's potential within it but it's not polished enough yet, this is very rough.