#1
oh, silly poem.

hamsters are cute but
if you ignore them for a long time
you feel horrible, like the time
you let your cat lick the peppers that come
with six large pizzas from papa johns
and it raced away under a couch.
saturday night was lonely
and horrible but if i ignore it
i'll feel horrible about something else
or maybe i'll feel so bad
it will lap the circle of emotion
and become happiness that always
was farther out of reach and hidden
than hamsters and kittens under couches
i licked a pepper and felt a strong
urge to bite off my tongue and cover it
with cat litter but the couch was closer
so i shoved it underneath
#3
This was sloppy and I think you got too wrapped up in trying to be silly and pseudo-nonsensical. The first three and a half lines were brilliant simply because if you've ever had a hamster, bunny, guinea pig, or any small animal that lives in a cage, then those lines are the most true thing in the world. Because everyone ignores their hamster for a little bit at least once during its life, and everyone feels like shit about it. The statement of such a subtle and little-spoken truth is what makes it great. At that point I thought this was gonna be absolutely genius, but it went downhill from there. It's kind of a mess to sort through.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
It should go where you took it. You should keep those lines. Don't get me wrong, I did enjoy this. If I didn't enjoy it I would have been much harder on you. Don't change a thing. There's nothing you can do about the sloppiness without rewriting the whole piece, so don't. This is what came out when you wrote it so this is what it should be. Don't worry so much about revision.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#6
I'm inclined to agree with Ganoosh. When I read the first few lines, I had a little grin on my face, and I was thinking "heh, I like this." It was relatable, and clever, and made me think I should probably go take my rat out of her cage and play with her. Then I kept reading, got a dropping feeling, and thought "oh...I should have seen this coming." It quickly got depressing, predictable, self-important, and self-pitying. Don't be afraid to tell other people that hamsters are cute, with no bleak, overly profound, nihilistic strings attached. It only takes one piece for people to understand that you can be introspective and sad. It takes a lot more to show that you are capable of a wide breadth of emotion.

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1319769
#8
Quote by Chaingarden
Don't be afraid to tell other people that hamsters are cute, with no bleak, overly profound, nihilistic strings attached.


yes, do be afraid. the second half of this is miles better than the first, but it's all a little too twee for my taste. being cutesy is hard because it usually feels so contrived. this was too self-aware and trying too hard to be quirky and i know you're a better writer than this. not a fan, sorry.
#9
Quote by NGD1313
yes, do be afraid. the second half of this is miles better than the first, but it's all a little too twee for my taste. being cutesy is hard because it usually feels so contrived. this was too self-aware and trying too hard to be quirky and i know you're a better writer than this. not a fan, sorry.


No, do not be afraid. You don't need to prove anything to anyone, unless you do. You don't need to drown in cheap whiskey, tawdry women, seedy towns and a side of self-loathing to speak to truth and have it say something worthy. NGD, you're uncommonly good at that, but don't make the mistake of thinking those are the only things that speak to people. There are only so many very pretty packages to wrap the same gift in.
#10
Quote by Chaingarden
No, do not be afraid. You don't need to prove anything to anyone, unless you do. You don't need to drown in cheap whiskey, tawdry women, seedy towns and a side of self-loathing to speak to truth and have it say something worthy. NGD, you're uncommonly good at that, but don't make the mistake of thinking those are the only things that speak to people. There are only so many very pretty packages to wrap the same gift in.


i'd never be so arrogant as to think the way i write is the only way to do it, but this faux-naivety/childhood chic style is telegraphed to a fault. the only person i've ever seen pull it off is daniel johnston and that's because he more or less actually has the mind of a child, and even then his word choice is extremely conservative and evocative. telling me about your dog licking papa john's peppers smacks of forced quirkiness and i know hippieboy is a better writer than that. i don't begrudge him a happy poem, but i don't like the way he went about it. that is, of course, just my opinion though. take it or leave it.
#11
Quote by NGD1313
i'd never be so arrogant as to think the way i write is the only way to do it, but this faux-naivety/childhood chic style is telegraphed to a fault. the only person i've ever seen pull it off is daniel johnston and that's because he more or less actually has the mind of a child, and even then his word choice is extremely conservative and evocative. telling me about your dog licking papa john's peppers smacks of forced quirkiness and i know hippieboy is a better writer than that. i don't begrudge him a happy poem, but i don't like the way he went about it. that is, of course, just my opinion though. take it or leave it.


I get where you're coming from. I don't really get off on the droll indie thing either, but I didn't get that impression here. Maybe it's because I like hamsters.

Anyway, TS, sorry to ruin your thread, haha.
#12
Quote by NGD1313
i'd never be so arrogant as to think the way i write is the only way to do it, but this faux-naivety/childhood chic style is telegraphed to a fault. the only person i've ever seen pull it off is daniel johnston and that's because he more or less actually has the mind of a child, and even then his word choice is extremely conservative and evocative. telling me about your dog licking papa john's peppers smacks of forced quirkiness and i know hippieboy is a better writer than that. i don't begrudge him a happy poem, but i don't like the way he went about it. that is, of course, just my opinion though. take it or leave it.


it's actually a cat
#13
Anything well written and important here is overshadowed by the fact that the whole time I was reading it, it just felt like it was trying sooooo hard. It just doesn't feel natural or comfortable. It feels like an act, a farce, like you're trying to create something so not you, or just trying too hard. The premise itself is interesting, as is most of the imagery, but the whole package just feels uncomfortable, which ruined the read for me.

i've posted a new one if you want to return the bashing

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1320283