#1
cue context or cut it out like
over-sized magazine letters;
fifty-five ways to spend an hour
getting distance on your betters.
(and five more to leave your lover.)

the lay of the land:
golden sun sprung
like your ringlets,
creased cigarette
hanging from my hand,
map folded on
the passenger's,
speakers tuning out
your favorite band.

don't give up on me or liqour
otherwise it's just some bullshit
on a faded bumper sticker
to laugh about on my way out.

"virginia is for lovers."
Last edited by NGD1313 at Jun 1, 2010,
#2
I liked the first stanza lexically, the second one in content, and the third was alright. I didn't notice it rhymed until I was finished. I'm not that into rhyming, but this didn't sound forced. I really like that your writing style cuts a lot of fat. It's direct and weighty.

However, I can't help but feel the same way each time I read one of your pieces. I'm always following some questionable misanthrope through a shit-kicking city sometime between twilight and dawn, and I'm sighing into my palm while he's feeling sorry for himself, trying to decide whether he likes who he's with, and whether to take another drink. You pull it off well, but you're a good writer; find other stuff to write about. Or don't. Whichever.

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1317797

Or this one... (I think you actually owe me one from a few months ago :-P ) If you only want to crit one, I guess choose the one that needs it more.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1320252
Last edited by Chaingarden at Jun 1, 2010,
#3
I don't think you need to keep a pocketbook of who owes you crits, chaingarden.

I'm not sure i like the last line in the first stanza. When i read 'fifty five ways to spend an hour...' i thought it was clever, and original, but the last part doesn't do much for me.
Line 6-9 in the second stanza don't add anything.
I like the third stanza. It ends it well, and on a note you can pull off well.
#4
Quote by hippieboy444
I don't think you need to keep a pocketbook of who owes you crits, chaingarden.

I'm not sure i like the last line in the first stanza. When i read 'fifty five ways to spend an hour...' i thought it was clever, and original, but the last part doesn't do much for me.
Line 6-9 in the second stanza don't add anything.
I like the third stanza. It ends it well, and on a note you can pull off well.


Relax, I was being facetious. I guess the tongue smilie wasn't big enough.
#5
Quote by hippieboy444

I'm not sure i like the last line in the first stanza. When i read 'fifty five ways to spend an hour...' i thought it was clever, and original, but the last part doesn't do much for me.


i added it at the last second as a throwaway paul simon reference. i go back and forth on my feelings about it.

thank you both for your thoughts.
#6
I love the way the first stanza sounds; the second one doesn't have the same flow, but it makes up for that with content. The second one is okay, but the flow seems a little awkward.


C4C? Either from my sig could use it.
#7
I'm wishing it was forty five hours so the paul simon reference works properly, but then you lose the sonics.... so maybe it's better to lose the reference. It's a real nitpick though because this piece as a whole is just really nice to read.
#8
I really like this, however it does not really have a flow to it for me.

For example, the last line in this stanza seemed out of place.

the lay of the land:
golden sun sprung
like your ringlets,
creased cigarette
hanging from my hand,
map folded on
the passenger's,
speakers tuning out
your favorite band.


I think it's just where I don't hear the music behind it. I do however love the word play with it.
INFLUENCES
Jason Mraz, The White Stripes (Jack White), Nirvana, The Beatles, The Black Keys
Please help make me better! Critique my work:
Dream it Over, Again
#9
Quote by kdownes
I'm wishing it was forty five hours so the paul simon reference works properly, but then you lose the sonics.... so maybe it's better to lose the reference. It's a real nitpick though because this piece as a whole is just really nice to read.


50 + 5 = 55, 5 more than paul simon. i see how that could get confusing though. good to see you around by the way kyle.

thanks for the words everyone. crits will be returned arbitrarily and without much discretion.
#10
oh right. yes i didn't read it like that at all. i'm not sure if that's just cause i'm dumb or not though.