#1
If you remember
The drink at midnight
That smelled like faith
Or whatever you wanted it to
You might have heard
The armchair words
That loving things
Wear dangerous masks

Sometimes

The nine year cough
From sawdust walls
With stardust paint
From moonlight smiles
Is drier tonight
Without the taste
Of mother's wine
That dulls the eyes

Sometimes

If you must
Be down and out
Have the heart
To scratch a note
Before you live
In piss and silence
So I can greet
The man I knew

To say hello
And smile sometimes
Last edited by Chaingarden at Jun 1, 2010,
#2
This is a really creepy piece....awesome. I'm guessing it is with reference to an alcoholic or alcoholism in general, just from the language used, and the first stanza. It is a very strong emotive piece, the last lines are eerie, and the line "Sometimes" is very powerful in my opinion, gives a definite buffer between stanzas, and could even define the piece.

The only criticism I have is the last two lines of the 1st stanza:

That loving things
Wear dangerous masks


It doesn't seem to make sense grammatically, perhaps needs quotation marks? I realise that if sung/spoken you can't tell this, but when reading it makes the passage flow all the more easily.

Really nice work mate, it's people like you that make me want to get better
#3
Quote by Chaingarden
If you remember
The drink at midnight
That smelled like faith
Or whatever you wanted it to
You might hear too
The armchair words
That loving things
Wear dangerous masks
You change tense from past to present with the word, "hear". If you made it heard, you'd rectify the problem and also rhyme with the line below. Something like, "you might have heard, the armchair words...". I didn't like the repetition of to and too, so that problem would go away as well.

Sometimes

The nine year cough
From sawdust walls
With stardust paint
From moonlight smiles
Is drier tonight
Without the taste
Of mother's wine
That dulls the eyes

Sometimes

If you must
Be down and out
Have the heart
To scratch a note
Before you live
In piss and silence
So I can greet
The man I knew

To say hello
And smile sometimes


I have nothing to comment on the rest of the piece, other than how much I enjoyed it. I get the sense that the narrator is disappointed but perhaps has given up on being angry and is more interested in offering acceptance and reconciliation. Very emotional.

If you've got a moment, I'm looking for critique on either piece in my signature.
#4
Quote by denizenz
I have nothing to comment on the rest of the piece, other than how much I enjoyed it. I get the sense that the narrator is disappointed but perhaps has given up on being angry and is more interested in offering acceptance and reconciliation. Very emotional.

If you've got a moment, I'm looking for critique on either piece in my signature.


I think you're right. I'm actually going to change that. I'll get to you piece too.

Thanks for the crits!