#1
hey campers. miss me?


she pictures the broken glass, she pictures the steam

I’m not one to watch myself in mirrors
for fear of being caught in a lie
it’s all semantics but even the devout can be left wanting
at the feet of the divine

in paste white literature of literal lint and fluff
behind the gruff exteriors of shady dealers of drugs
who shrug off the cold, hustled around old barrels
burning cheap apparel stolen the week before
hiding in around and over doors, floors and metaphors
are living breathing spaces longing to be explored

but enough is enough or at least to the eyes
when the ears call to doubt that the brain lies
only the touch of another can crystallise
the silent surrender to the unknown dispenser in the sky

but in the rabble the glass shard gleams
and for a moment intercedes in the grit and soot and ash
and caught in the reflection you smile
unsure why
before fading into the night
Last edited by kdownes at Jun 7, 2010,
#2
i can't offer much by way of critique, but i'll try give something;

overall impression was good,
personally, i thought the rhymes in the second stanza were too obvious (but that's just personal taste, i never cared greatly for a lot of rhyming), and a couple of the lines felt too wordy, L3 of stanza 1 and L4 of stanza 3 stood out to me.

i like the flow, and the words sit really nicely on my tongue, it's a good blend of nice smooth sounds and then harsh syllables.

some really well-constructed imagery and shiznit going on.
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#3
I liked this as well. The internal rhyming in the second stanza was great along with the assonance. That's something I haven't really ever seen from you and I think you should play with that technique and style more. The first and third stanzas had a solid rhythm and control and the rhymes didn't distract me much, if at all. In my opinion, it was smart to rhyme more complex words within an internal rhyme (for example, your "barrel-apparel" rhyme) and then rhyme more simpler words in a traditional rhyme scheme.

My sole area of suggestion is the final stanza for a few reasons. One, I'm not sure if you need the "in" after intercedes. Seems sort of unnecessary. Also, you used the phrase "for a moment" in consecutive lines. I would consider tweaking something there. And finally, I'm not sure if I liked how it ended. The idea of "fading into the night" just didn't do much for me, personally, possibly because it borders on cliche. Also, the flow was thrown off with the short line of "unsure why" preceding a longer line with more syllables to digest.

But above all, it's good to see you around here again and hope to read more.
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
Quote by kdownes
hey campers. miss me?

Yes

Loved this,
the only I didn't like was the rhyming in the third stanza.
It just rhymed a little too good
#6
Very good way to return, love Impressive flow. Glad you're back.
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#7
Thanks Ryan, I hadn't noticed the two "for a moment"s in the last stanza, I'll have to look in to that.

Taylor, I'm not quite sure how you can rhyme too good, but that sounds more like a compliment than a criticism as good rhyming was what i was going for:P

Zach, Saadia, thank you, it's nice to be back. Hopefully this means I'm writing again.
#9
Wow, thanks everyone. I honestly wasn't expecting this at all. Might inspire me to keep writing. Here's hoping anyway.
#11
awww congrats
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#14
I hated it.

Just kidding, I actually liked it a lot. I say it that way because I'm usually not huge on rhyme schemes of most kinds, but this seemed to be a well thought out piece. Dig it.
#16
Good stuff; grats.
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